mental health
How To Deal With Toxic People
Toxic people can be incredibly difficult to deal with in both personal and professional relationships and can be detrimental to your personal happiness and well-being.
A toxic person is someone whose constant negativity and dysfunctional behavior causes drama in your life and drains you energy whenever they are around. Typical toxic traits include negativity, cynicism, apathy, lack of self-awareness, arrogance, entitlement, self-centeredness, domineering behavior, lack of empathy, being judgmental, dishonesty, anger outbursts, to name only a few.
The most extreme forms of toxicity includes personality disorders like antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorder. A personality disorder is a rigid, deeply characteristic way of thinking, feeling and acting that severely affects the person’s mental well-being, personal relationships and social life.
Toxic people can however be tricky to identify at first, as their dysfunctional traits and behaviors can be very subtle. Some of them are also very good at ‘gaslighting,’ which makes interacting with them even more treacherous.
Gaslighting is a very toxic form of manipulation, game playing, or crazymaking in which you are constantly being misled, confused, lied to, and made to question your own truth and reality. You increasingly feel unsure about the accuracy of your own memories regarding certain events and your personal opinions and perceptions of the world. You may even begin to think that you are to blame for the toxic person’s actions, or that maybe something is very wrong with you, or worse, that you are losing your mind.
Stop Surviving And Start Living
The past three years, I have heard many people say they’re living in ‘survival mode.’ For some it has been about health and personal safety, for others it was isolation and loneliness, or bereavement and grief, or loss of employment and financial security.
It has certainly been an unprecedented, challenging time for our generation. And at times it has indeed been an actual fight for survival, which many tragically did not survive. Many families are still grieving the loss of their loved ones.
Sadly, for some it has also been a time of fearing many things that never happened. It has also been a time that revealed how some folks may be in need of a major ‘privilege check.’ For example, I personally know people who were excessively anxious during the quarantine lockdowns because they were eating too much and gaining weight, or were upset because they could not go to the salon or spa, while there are people in the world who were not even able to feed their families, or worse, had nowhere safe to take shelter.
The global pandemic has indeed been a unique opportunity to reflect on our beliefs, values, and what truly matters to us. Not everyone made the most of this prospect. It seems for some it is still difficult to move beyond the self-defeating mindset of ‘it’s a struggle to survive.’
Yes, life is sometimes definitely hard for all of us. The past three years proved that once again on a global scale. Life can throw major curve balls our way and we all handle things through our personal lens on the world. Some of us are more resilient than others; and some of us more privileged than others. Being in ‘survival mode’ is therefore relative to the individual.
The Ancient Art Of Meditation In Motion
I recently attended a Tai Chi class for the first time and absolutely loved it. I have seen this ancient martial art being practiced on television and in films before, and always thought I would like to experience it myself someday.
Tai Chi is an ancient Chinese tradition involving slow movements and breathwork that is essentially meditation in graceful motion. At this recent event, I enjoyed it so much that I intend to continue pursuing this practice.
Our instructor at the event also explained the many health benefits of practicing Tai Chi, which further fueled my interest. This may include reduced stress, improved mood, mental health and cognitive function, enhanced immune function, increased cariovascular health, better sleep patterns, and even reduced risk of falling in mature adults.
One of the key advantages of Tai Chi is that it has no age limit. In fact, I was surprised at the various age groups in attendance that day. It is certainly a wonderful mind, body, and soul pursuit for everyone, because it is a gentle and slow-paced ‘internal’ martial art that does not involve any competition.
The exact history and origins of Tai Chi is unclear. Some scholars believe it originated from ancient Taoist and Buddhist monasteries, while others contend that Tai chi is a purely Chinese art that originates from the spiritual wisdom traditions of Daoism and Confucianism. There are many styles of Tai Chi that differ in execution and training methods.
Healing From A Relationship Break-Up
Breaking up with someone can be one of the most difficult experiences in life, especially when it is a long and deeply meaningful relationship. It can feel impossible to see any future without that person and very difficult to move on and find joy in life again.
I find many of my clients do not realize that dealing with a break-up or divorce is very similar to processing the bereavement and grief associated with the passing of a loved one. It is often accompanied by agonizing sorrow, intense feelings of despair, and an all-encompassing sense of loss and confusion.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Tricia Wolanin it is actually “the death of a relationship, hopes and dreams for the future. The person we are losing was a big part of our world and therefore has taken up so much of our mental and heart space.”
It is however possible to recover, heal and move on after any breakup or divorce. In my work I have found the following strategies to be helpful for clients who go through this kind of life challenge.
Avoid Major Life Decisions
It is usually not a good idea to make any important life decisions if you are working through the aftermath of a breakup. This includes changing your job or career, relocating, or making other drastic changes to your life. It is vital to take some time to heal and reflect on the situation before making hasty life-changing decisions that you may later live to regret.
The Spiritual Wisdom Of Solitude
In the age of digital ‘connection,’ we are becoming more socially disconnected than ever before in human history. In fact, loneliness has become a secret epidemic profoundly affecting many people all over the world. A 2022 study of the prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries found that “problematic levels of loneliness are experienced by a substantial proportion of the population in many countries.”
There is strong evidence that loneliness or social isolation is a serious health risk that increases premature death from all causes, similar to smoking, obesity, and lack of exercise. It is also specifically linked to higher rates of heart failure, dementia, depression, anxiety, and suicide.
Loneliness must however not be confused with solitude, which is in fact a powerful aspect of spiritual practice that has been practiced since the dawn of time.
Loneliness is the feeling of being alone and isolated, regardless the amount of social contact. In other words, social isolation can cause a sense of loneliness in some of us, but we can also feel intensely lonely without being socially isolated. One can feel lonely even when there are many people present in our life.
Solitude, on the other hand, is the conscious choice to be alone, usually for the purpose of personal reflection, recharging one’s energy, spiritual contemplation, or simply enjoyment of your own company. It’s about purposely choosing to be present with yourself, rather than the lack of social connection.
A Message From Grandmother Moon
The Moon is traditionally revered as a beloved relative by the Anishinaabe peoples, a large group of culturally-related indigenous people in the United States and Canada. She is known as Nookomis, or ‘My Grandmother.’ Throughout the ages the elders of Ojibwe, one of the largest tribes of the Anishinaabe, shared with younger generations the creation story of their people.
The legend begins with Manitou, the Great Spirit, who created the Universe by dreaming it into existence. Manitou then decided he wanted to create a special creature like himself who could also dream, imagine and create. But he could not accomplish this on his own. He needed the help of the divine feminine energy of Geezhigo-Quae, the Sky Woman.
So, he ascended to her in the sky and asked her to be the mother of his children. She agreed and came down to earth to give birth to twins on the back of a Great Turtle. She named the boy and the girl ‘Anishinaabe,’ meaning ‘human’ or ‘person’ born from the mind of the Creator.
Before she returned to her home in the sky, Manitou gave her a new name: Nookomis, the Great Mother of the Anishinaabe. Grandmother Moon now lives in the sky world as a nurturing, protective energy watching over her many grandchildren by providing light and reassurance in the darkest of nights.
During my meditation today, I received a message from Grandmother Moon, which I am to carry forward myself this year and share with others who also wish to embrace her guidance. The message I am to share is simply this:
The Simple Miracle Cure For Stress
While I was meditating the other day, the voice of an ancestor came to me. It was the spirit of a relative I had personally known when she was in this life. She said, “Why don’t you just rest a little bit honey? Everything is always easier and better after you take a day or two to just rest and recover.”
I cannot say I was surprised by this unusual visitation message. I had indeed been dealing with a lot of stress lately, and I tend to forget that what I really need to do sometimes is to simply stop. Just stop doing whatever it is I feel I have to do. I often do tend to take on more than I am actually required to, and then make matters worse by stressing about it. It’s a free will kind of deal.
My ancestor was right. A timeout would empower me to cope much better and see things in a different perspective. The truth is most of the recent stress in my life is caused by my thinking. It is mostly in my mind and not based in reality.
So, I decided to follow her advice and take a few days off. I turned off my negative thought process, stopped working for a few days, and found constructive ways to clear my mind and relax. I took out a library book to read for entertainment and enjoyment; played with my cats; cooked some delicious comfort food; meditated in the garden, slept late, and allowed myself to just simply enjoy some proper ‘me time.’
Well, it certainly worked like a charm! After just a few days, I felt invigorated, recharged, empowered, and in a much better state of mind. I now realize I had been depleted of energy and especially not getting enough sleep.