Betrayal Blindness And The Family Scapegoat

I have a good friend who was raised by a mother who constantly belittled and talked down to her. She never defended herself, because she grew up believing that she deserved her mother’s abuse, because something was wrong with her causing her to always say and do the wrong things.

Once she graduated high school, she moved out of her mom’s house. Her life became much more peaceful for several years, until she started noticing that her brother was following in their mother’s footsteps by adopting the same kind of toxic, abusive language towards her.

It oddly became evident to her one year at Christmas time, when she gifted him a beautiful, crocheted blanket that she had been working on for many months and he rolled his eyes and made some disparaging remark about it. She then started noticing how pompous, ungrateful, and narcissistic he truly was. Growing up with him, she always assumed he just had bit of an ego or a macho attitude, but now that she had gained life experience and wisdom, she realized he was simply an abusive jerk.

Still, she chose not to criticize or judge him. In fact, she did the opposite, she encouraged his long-suffering partner to stay by his side and continue to support and love him, because she understood that he was also just a product of his upbringing, like herself. Meanwhile, he faithfully continued judging and belittling her. Because that is what he had seen their mother do all his life.

But one day, something inside her finally shifted. She had reached a point of no return and decided to start standing up for herself! Enough already.

There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true ~ Soren Kierkegaard

She suddenly realized that her entire family’s issues and insecurities were constantly being directed at her in the form of negativity, criticism, and abuse. She had been the emotional punchbag for them all. To keep their toxic, dysfunctional family dynamic intact, they needed a scapegoat to roll their eyes, shake their heads, and look down their noses at.

Having not recognized it until that moment, she suddenly realized it was time she distanced herself from these toxic relationships, because it was never going to change. They were never going to start treating her with kindness and simple respect. She gave them so many chances to be kind and they just didn’t have it in them to do that.

The next day, her brother once started texting her judgmental, belittling messages and doing the usual guilt trip of her “not doing enough” for their mom. She simply disengaged mid-conversation, and stopped responding.

Finally, after years of wanting to believe that love conquers all, that blood is thicker than water, that time heals all wounds, and hoping that someday she might be treated with some respect and kindness, she had decided to stop communicating with him. Since then, she would only discuss with him matters pertaining to their ageing mother’s care, and nothing further…try as he might.

She also stopped visiting her mother, because the woman who gave birth to her still made her feel like she was not good enough, and was constantly gaslighting and scapegoating her, accusing her of things she didn’t do.

She finally realized that all the things she had done for them were never going to change them, it was never going to turn on a light bulb in their minds to make them see that how they were treating her unkindly, and were being downright cruel.

Recovering from family scapegoating requires recognizing that being the ‘identified patient’ is symptomatic of generations of systemic dysfunction within one’s family, fueled by unrecognized anxiety and even trauma ~ Rebecca C. Mandeville

People who grow up with trauma and abuse, often seem to overlook it, or become desensitized to it. Outsiders often wonder why they do not stand up for themselves, or why they are so passive and seemingly unaware that they are being wronged?

The truth is that it is often due to a built-in survival mechanism in the human mind known as ‘betrayal blindness,’ a term coined by researcher Dr. Jennifer Freyd and author of the book Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled. Betrayal blindness is a state of denial in which victims do not allow themselves to see or reflect on what’s really going on. In fact, they no longer fully engage with the reality of how badly they are being treated, because if they did, they have to face the truth about the people they love and depend on.

Betrayal blindness is therefore ‘turning a blind eye’ and consciously remaining unconscious of the truth, because actually facing reality threatens your mental health and sanity, emotional well-being, or physical survival.

This is why my friend only realized the truth about her family much later in her life. Victims only become more fully aware of the trauma or abuse they had suffered once it ends, or the threat is removed, or they have gained some distance from the toxic person or situation.

“Because during trauma it is usually not safe or possible for individuals to consciously access their emotional reactions or experiences, awareness often emerges after trauma ceases,” explains Dr. Freyd.