Setting Healthy Boundaries With Toxic People

I have often wondered why so many of us tolerate unhealthy, unhappy, and sometimes very dysfunctional relationships with relatives and friends. Too many of us endure the toxic dynamics in our families and friendships, putting up with being the scapegoat, emotional punching bag, financial provider, free therapist, or nanny.

Why is it that many of us tend to keep giving the people in our lives second chances and multiple opportunities to learn and grow, hoping that they will somehow become more considerate, loving, and compassionate?

Meanwhile, we ignore their nasty words, spiteful behaviors, and toxic exchanges. We remain kind, tolerant, and patient. We try to help them lighten up, or connect on a deeper, more caring level. We hope that maybe someday everyone will be happier together and enjoy sharing more love and belonging, instead of dysfunction and drama.

But as the years go by, they continue to disappoint, abuse, and betray us. The loving kindness and mutual support never comes. Try as we might in these toxic situations, the people we love and care about will continue to talk down to us or try to make us feel that we are not good enough. These complicated family and friendship situations can eventually cost us our physical and mental health, our financial security, and our personal accomplishments.

I find this to often be the case with my clients who are gifted, empathic, highly sensitive, and spiritually aware. Some even consider it their purpose or calling in this lifetime. However, while being a wounded healer or earth angel is certainly a noble calling, being a scapegoat or doormat is definitely not! God, Source, Spirit, the Divine wants us to be happy, healthy and safe, and to live our best life.

Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden ~ Lydia Hall

Sometimes clients consult with me about their latest family or friendship drama, but the next time we talk, they don’t ask for further insight or guidance on the matter. They even deliberately avoid the topic in subsequent readings. More often than not, these clients then confess months or even years later that they tried to give the people involved another chance, or hoped that more time and space might help to work things out. Yet, after all this time, there is still no change in the toxic, dysfunctional behavior.

Having done thousands of spirit-guided readings on this subject over the years, I have found that setting clear, healthy boundaries is probably the most important first step you can take to change this dynamic and reduce, or even eliminate, the stress and trauma of toxic friendships and family relationships. It is absolutely essential to set clear boundaries with those who constantly make us feel anxious, insecure, depressed, or energetically drained.

Setting boundaries is about clearly communicating our needs and expectations and demanding respect and consideration from those around us. It clarifies the ‘rules of engagement’ and the individual responsibilities of each person involved. We need to be very transparent about what we will not accept in our interactions with other, and make it known when we are uncomfortable with certain behaviors.

10 Examples Of Healthy Boundaries

1. Never agree to do anything you don’t want to do. Do not give in to guilt or coercion. Don’t want to do it? Then don’t. Period.

2. Limit your time with the toxic ones. Instead, spend time with people who are kind, supportive, and accepting of you.

3. Control their access to you. If they continue to call or text you, change your number or get a burner phone. Create a new email address. Limit their access to your social media, and in extreme cases, remove yourself from all platforms if necessary.

4. Decline invitations to family events and avoid gatherings, especially where certain toxic individuals will be present.

5. Insist on being heard respectfully whenever you feel the need to express your thoughts and feelings honestly. If they don’t care to listen, then stop wasting your breath and just keep living your truth without their support or approval.

6. Demand that any differences between you and the toxic person must be addressed directly with one another, rather than through a third party. If they ignore this reasonable request, stop engaging with them until they do.

7. Do not tolerate social interactions and conversations that make you feel bad, create confusion about the truth, cause you to question your reality or sanity (gaslighting), or diminish your authentic feelings. If they come for you, change the subject, or disengage completely. It it continues, then leave. If you cannot leave for some reason, then use the ‘grey rock’ technique by acting totally disinterested and unresponsive. When you stop engaging and show no emotion, the toxic person will soon lose interest in you. It’s no fun trying to engage in intense drama with someone who is dull and not reacting to anything.

8. Refuse to tolerate any form of verbal abuse or unfair criticism. Don’t get sucked into pointless arguments or petty drama. Don’t be tempted to try to explain or defend yourself. This is usually a waste of time. The moment they start, walk away, or better yet, leave or go ‘grey rock.’

9. Stop touching the flame of toxicity. Think about how many times you have gone back and touched that same scorching fire, only to be burned again and again by the same people. When they have repeatedly shown that they will not change, it is time to cut ties and move on. Get away from them, so that you can have more peace, happiness, and joy in your life. With some people, this really is the only way.

10. Above all, once you set a boundary with someone, or about something, do not back down. Stand your ground. This is very important. If you do not stay true to yourself, they will continue to do what they are doing,and may even escalate the unwanted behavior.