boundaries
Setting Healthy Boundaries With Toxic People
I have often wondered why so many of us tolerate unhealthy, unhappy, and sometimes very dysfunctional relationships with relatives and friends. Too many of us endure the toxic dynamics in our families and friendships, putting up with being the scapegoat, emotional punching bag, financial provider, free therapist, or nanny.
Why is it that many of us tend to keep giving the people in our lives second chances and multiple opportunities to learn and grow, hoping that they will somehow become more considerate, loving, and compassionate?
Meanwhile, we ignore their nasty words, spiteful behaviors, and toxic exchanges. We remain kind, tolerant, and patient. We try to help them lighten up, or connect on a deeper, more caring level. We hope that maybe someday everyone will be happier together and enjoy sharing more love and belonging, instead of dysfunction and drama.
But as the years go by, they continue to disappoint, abuse, and betray us. The loving kindness and mutual support never comes. Try as we might in these toxic situations, the people we love and care about will continue to talk down to us or try to make us feel that we are not good enough. These complicated family and friendship situations can eventually cost us our physical and mental health, our financial security, and our personal accomplishments.
I find this to often be the case with my clients who are gifted, empathic, highly sensitive, and spiritually aware. Some even consider it their purpose or calling in this lifetime. However, while being a wounded healer or earth angel is certainly a noble calling, being a scapegoat or doormat is definitely not! God, Source, Spirit, the Divine wants us to be happy, healthy and safe, and to live our best life.
Left Holding The Bag
One of my clients recently said, “I’m the one left holding the bag.” Have you ever been ‘left holding the bag?’ This is when you are put in a situation where you are unfairly held responsible, because other people fail or refuse to take responsibility.
The expression “left holding the bag” originated in 18th-century Britain, but at the time it referred to a person being caught with stolen goods, while the rest of their criminal gang escape responsibility.
Many of us are left holding the bag at some point in our life. This is especially true for empaths, healers and highly sensitive people. They are often the scapegoat in their family, or the friend who is taken advantage of, or the coworker who has to pick up the pieces when others neglect their duties.
The solution for this is often found in spiritual self-empowerment, inner child healing, energy shielding, or simply the setting of boundaries. These are challenges I often assist clients with.
A client was about to purchase a bed and breakfast establishment with the support of an investor. When the day came to sign the papers, the investor decided it was just too much to deal with at the time. This left my client ‘holding the bag,’ having to find a new investor.
Another client was abandoned by her siblings when their mother’s mental and physical health suddenly began to deteriorate, and she was left to her own devices having to care for her mom with no assstance or support from the rest of the family.
Facing Our Shame Leads To Spiritual Growth
I was recently reminded of a hasty set of predictions I made a decade ago for a former colleague, when I had just started my psychic career. At the time, his wife was pregnant with twins, and I foolishly attempted to forecast when, where and how they would be born. Some of my predictions panned out, while some didn’t. At least I correctly predicted they would be born under the sign of Leo!
Looking back on it, I realize I was overly giddy in wanting to share my impressions with him. I certainly overstepped boundaries as a developing psychic, when I chose to impulsively send my predictions to him by email, without him asking for it. This kind of unsolicited psychic advice is seldom a good idea.
In those early days, I wrongly assumed it was the right thing for me to do. I presumed it my duty as a psychic to share whatever I perceived. Not only did I later regret sending that unwelcome email, but I also felt very embarrassed and ashamed. It also shook my fragile ego at the time.
Today, I see it very differently. That hasty email has since served as a valuable lesson in humility, patience, and vulnerability. In fact, it made me a better psychic. These days, I am much more measured and circumspect in my approach, and I no longer feel pressured to share absolutely everything that comes to mind, especially not if it is uninvited.
We all make foolish mistakes sometimes, but we live and learn. This is, after all, what our life journey as a spiritual being in human form is all about. Sometimes my clients say things like, “I shouldn’t have said that,” or “I wish I had never done that.” I then gently remind them there’s never a black-and-white line in the sand that, once you have crossed it, you’ve forever made yourself a ‘loser’ or a ‘fool.’
The Key To Happiness Is Self-Care
The most important thing we can do in life is to take good care of ourselves, because this is the only way we can truly be of service to others. Although this may seem counterintuitive, to be most effective we must take some time to put ourselves first and treat ourselves with more love and kindness. The demands of family, friends, career, business and our community are absolutely necessary to attend to, but the gift of self-care must also be given to ourselves.
People tend to believe they have no time for proper self-care. This is often because they have too many unnecessary, self-assigned duties on their plate. There is no point in worrying about all the things that one cannot effectively change. Some issues should be left to sort themselves out over time. Others are not worth the effort or stress in the greater scheme of things.
The trick is to tell the difference between what is within our control and truly our responsibility, and what can be disregarded or delayed. We must prioritize the issues that matter most, and focus our energy on what we can solve or change. This frees up time for taking better care of yourself.
Regardless of how simple or extravagant our self-care activities might be, it is vital to feel that there is a mini-escape from the pressure-ridden demands of our life. For example, whether it is a quick stretch, or a solid workout, keep your body moving to the best of your ability. It doesn’t take long to feel revitalized, so make the most of whatever time you have.
The Life-Long Journey Of Self-Love
Self-love is essential for mental, physical, and emotional well-being. It is vital to have a positive, loving attitude towards yourself and take care of your own needs. Not only is this essential for living a happy and healthy life, but it also empowers you to be more loving and caring towards others.
Self-love is often misunderstood. Many people think that self-love is only about pampering oneself, indulging in extravagance, or buying yourself expensive things. It is much more than that. It is not about being selfish, self-indulgent, or narcissistic. Instead, it is about accepting yourself, taking care of yourself and understanding your true worth.
Truly loving yourself is therefore about knowing your worth, appreciating your unique strengths and abilities, and treating yourself with compassion and kindness. It is also about taking personal responsibility for your life, making choices and decisions that serve your highest good, and letting go of negative thoughts and self-destructive behaviors.
It is also important to realize that self-love is a journey, not a destination. It is a life-long process that is part of our soul purpose in this lifetime. It is a state of being that requires patience, dedication, commitment and effort.
Cultivating self-love begins with understanding yourself, accepting your flaws, and learning to forgive yourself. It involves setting boundaries and taking responsibility for your own needs and happiness. It is also about cultivating positive relationships and learning to trust yourself.
How To Deal With Toxic People
Toxic people can be incredibly difficult to deal with in both personal and professional relationships and can be detrimental to your personal happiness and well-being.
A toxic person is someone whose constant negativity and dysfunctional behavior causes drama in your life and drains you energy whenever they are around. Typical toxic traits include negativity, cynicism, apathy, lack of self-awareness, arrogance, entitlement, self-centeredness, domineering behavior, lack of empathy, being judgmental, dishonesty, anger outbursts, to name only a few.
The most extreme forms of toxicity includes personality disorders like antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorder. A personality disorder is a rigid, deeply characteristic way of thinking, feeling and acting that severely affects the person’s mental well-being, personal relationships and social life.
Toxic people can however be tricky to identify at first, as their dysfunctional traits and behaviors can be very subtle. Some of them are also very good at ‘gaslighting,’ which makes interacting with them even more treacherous.
Gaslighting is a very toxic form of manipulation, game playing, or crazymaking in which you are constantly being misled, confused, lied to, and made to question your own truth and reality. You increasingly feel unsure about the accuracy of your own memories regarding certain events and your personal opinions and perceptions of the world. You may even begin to think that you are to blame for the toxic person’s actions, or that maybe something is very wrong with you, or worse, that you are losing your mind.
We Need To Reopen Our Hearts
If, like me, you are highly sensitive to energies, I am sure you have noticed the alarming increase in anger, hatred, callousness, and cruelty in our society in recent times. It seems many people’s hearts have hardened. In my view, this is due to a post-pandemic heart chakra problem in our culture.
For example, one issue I have been finding more of in post-pandemic readings is an inability for many of my callers to remain ‘in the flow’ with their romantic partners. Some of my clients are either overly focused on, and extremely loyal to a partner who clearly doesn’t deserve it, or they are too rigid in keeping their distance and even avoiding contact. I have also been noticing more of this with people’s friendships and interactions with their relatives.
Of course, we must set healthy boundaries in all our relationships for the sake of our own well-being. Without proper boundaries we will become too exhausted and energetically drained to be of any use to others. By taking good care of ourselves, we also take better care of others and will have more to give.
But there’s a difference between healthy boundaries and ‘excommunicating’ just about everyone across-the-board. ‘Blocking,’ ‘banning,’ and ‘ghosting’ every person who dares to express a different point of view on social media, and disowning every person in your life who has the nerve to do or say the slightest thing that may annoy you, is not exactly setting healthy boundaries. It is rather a sign of having very weak, fickle boundaries. If this has become your way of being in the world, then you may want to consider doing some heart chakra energy work.