loss
Healing From A Relationship Break-Up
Breaking up with someone can be one of the most difficult experiences in life, especially when it is a long and deeply meaningful relationship. It can feel impossible to see any future without that person and very difficult to move on and find joy in life again.
I find many of my clients do not realize that dealing with a break-up or divorce is very similar to processing the bereavement and grief associated with the passing of a loved one. It is often accompanied by agonizing sorrow, intense feelings of despair, and an all-encompassing sense of loss and confusion.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Tricia Wolanin it is actually “the death of a relationship, hopes and dreams for the future. The person we are losing was a big part of our world and therefore has taken up so much of our mental and heart space.”
It is however possible to recover, heal and move on after any breakup or divorce. In my work I have found the following strategies to be helpful for clients who go through this kind of life challenge.
Avoid Major Life Decisions
It is usually not a good idea to make any important life decisions if you are working through the aftermath of a breakup. This includes changing your job or career, relocating, or making other drastic changes to your life. It is vital to take some time to heal and reflect on the situation before making hasty life-changing decisions that you may later live to regret.
When Angels Are Passing
When I was nine years old, British troops were deployed to Northern Ireland after violence had erupted in the streets and the local police were no longer able to cope. Johnny, a young man from our neighborhood, was one of those soldiers called up. He was about 20 years old and lived just down the road from us.
Sadly, after just two months in active service, Johnny suffered a fatal bullet wound. His passing shocked our community and understandably devastated his family. My mother and I visited his mom at the time to convey our condolences. I remember her telling my mother that at the very moment of Johnny’s passing, everything in their family home went deathly silent because, as he put it, “the angels were passing.”
Her profound words left a lasting impression on me. At first, I wondered if this meant that angels sometimes also carry bad omens or bring us tidings of misfortune? But my mom soon put my mind at ease and explained that it meant quite the opposite. Angels show up to comfort and carry us through difficult times, such as at funerals and untimely passings. They bring us a sense of peace and support when it is most needed. With sudden passings, the angels make their presence known, like they did with Johnny’s family, at the moment of the person’s passing.
Almost 50 years later, my dear mother was a nursing home and not in the best of health. I was very worried about her. One morning, I drove into town to take my mind off things. I soon noticed the car park and the streets were exceptionally quiet and empty for this the time of the day, and month. I remember briefly thinking to myself it’s as if ‘the angels are passing.’ Later, when I arrived home, my husband informed me that my mother had passed.
What If There Is No Tomorrow?
A sense of anguish sometimes strikes us while we are experiencing something good in our life. In the midst of the delightful feelings of happiness and joy, we grimly remind ourselves that we must enjoy it while it lasts, because all good things come to an end.
Yes, everything does come to an end, right up to our own passing from this world to the next. Yes…our inevitable death. Thinking about this can be sad and depressing, but it also not… if we choose otherwise.
There is an ancient philosophy of reflecting on one’s mortality known as memento mori, which in Latin means ‘remember death.’ This profound saying does not only serve to remind us of that our death is inevitable, but also invites us to think about death in a more meaningful way.
In Stoicism, a school of ancient Greek philosophy, memento mori was seen to be a thought process to attribute deeper meaning to life. The philosopher Epictetus famously said, “Keep death and exile before your eyes every day, with all that seems terrible – by doing this, you will never have a base thought, nor an excessive desire.”
Although the notion of memento mori seems at first scary, sad, or tragic, it is in truth a reminder that everything and everyone will eventually come to an end. The moment we sensibly embrace this universal truth, we become so much more aware of how precious every moment of our life is. And ideally it then inspires us to live more fully and intensely, without wasting any more time on trivial things and petty issues.
Are You Stuck In Victim Mode?
We all have had at least one very bad experience in our lives: a twist of fate, a major setback, an intense trauma, a tragic loss. In these moments of extreme adversity, we are usually victims of circumstances beyond our control.
But these challenging life events typically serve a higher purpose. Everything happens for a reason. It is therefore vital that we gather whatever hard-earned wisdom, personal growth or self-empowerment we possibly can from such experiences. If we do not, our suffering would have been in vain.
We can only accomplish this if we get up, dust ourselves off, find resilience within, and courageously begin to move forward.
Sadly, some people tend to become stuck in victim mode long after these experiences. This obviously does not promote their personal growth and well-being, nor does it improve or change their life for better. On the contrary, as long as we remain trapped in a victim mentality, the negative life experience will have served no purpose and the hardship we suffered will have been in vain.
All the challenges, lessons and trials in our life are invitations and opportunities for us to grow and expand. This is true transformation. Easy lives are meaningless lives.
Now, we are sometimes allowed to complain and say ‘life sucks,’ because from at times we also get caught up in the learning and transformation processes of other people. However, we are also allowed to consciously reject that. We are not required to take on the lessons of others.
How To Truly Let Them Go
When a relationship ends, we may find it very difficult to let go of the other person, especially when they have been the one who chose to leave. Friends and clients have often asked me this question. How do I forget him? How do I stop thinking about her? I have asked myself this a few times in my own life too.
My psychic observation has been that consciously trying to forget someone for whom we have strong feelings of love and affection will only serve to make it worse. ‘Forgetting’ someone we love is unnatural and goes against our grain. It only creates resistance that further increases tension and intensifies our pain.
So, it is usually better, but not easier, to channel or process our feelings of love and affection for another soul, in a more constructive, liberating way. This includes honoring the freedom of every soul’s path in relationship with God, Source, Spirit, the Divine.
It is essential to let our feelings flow, because emotions are energy in motion (e-motion). The energy will move through and in time lessen, like storm clouds passing through the sky, until the sun is visible to the eyes again.
Keeping the heart open is an important part of this process. The vision God gives me to describe this is of being in your home, going about your own life within it, with all your attention focused on the activities, surroundings, and experiences of the moment, and simply being present with what you have and what is, while the front door remains open in the background.
Never Allow Regret To Hold You Back
Recently, I attended a celebration of life gathering held in memory of a friend who died under tragic circumstances. He was an incredible energy healer, and also exquisitely crafted Native American flutes and drums. We had been friends for decades, but over the years we saw less and less of each other. The relationship between us was, however, a matter of ‘out of sight, out of mind.’
Our individual schedules were such that life eventually got in the way. There was however an unmistakable mutual respect and heart-centered connection between us facilitated by Spirit whenever we did meet. We would offer each other guidance, support, and fresh perspectives in those special moments.
My friend and his wife met about two decades ago at a spiritual event and eventually became an incredible spiritual team. Before they met, I remember his future wife asking me to swap readings with her.
“Sure, why not?” I said, although I was actually quite nervous and still new to doing readings on a ‘professional basis.’
When I read for her, the information that came through included various confirmations regarding her spiritual work, including her music, becoming an author, teaching, and her increased spirit connection. Last, but not least, there was also the indication of a potential romantic relationship, including a timeframe for approximately when this might unfold. Soon after, the two of them met. Over the years, it was great to see their relationship blossom and thrive. They truly became partners in life, love, and business.
Communicating With Your Pets In The Spirit Realm
It is known among my friends and clients that have had certain very challenging life experiences, including former struggles with addiction and sobriety. But I can honestly say, the most painful was a traumatic event just a few years ago, when on a walk along a familiar path two of my dogs chased a hare and were never seen again.
My husband and I did everything in our power to locate them and used every possible way to get the message out that they had gone missing. We even offered a substantial reward for whoever could help us find them. We put up posters in a 50-mile radius and walked day in and day out talking to everyone who cared to listen. My husband even purchased an electric mountain bike to get to areas we might not otherwise have been able to access.
The kindness we found in our community was overwhelming and there were endless phone calls and concerned friends and neighbors doing searches because they wanted to help. Nobody seemed to care much about the potential reward; everyone just wanted to help. Out of all of the leads we received, there were only two scam calls from individuals who were only after the reward, but I was quickly able to suss them out on the phone.
Our dogs’ names were Amber and Brutus. Two days after their disappearance, and still having hope of them coming home, I felt Amber communicate with me. “This was meant to happen,” she said. The telepathic message was vivid but didn’t help in terms of knowing if they were still alive.
Last week, I asked for a sign from the dogs. Looking at their pet booklets, there would be a good chance that, even if Amber had survived, she may have passed in the meantime due to old age.