memories
Empowering Life Lessons From My Abusive Father
My father Jim had to grow up quickly in the tough pre-war years. He was the eldest of six children and he did not have an easy childhood, nor tolerant parents.
But life became even more challenging for Jim as he reached adulthood. My parents were married at the age of 21 and had three kids by 23, and another baby at 34.
Jim faced many challenges. As a result, to vent his frustration and process all the stress, he often took it out on those closest to him, namely his wife and children.
Let’s just say my father was not always the ideal husband and parent. It became so bad by the time I was an adult that he would do whatever he could to disrupt my life and my family in any way that you might imagine. The sad part was that he actually wanted to hurt us, as doing so gave him a bizarre sense of satisfaction and control over those closest to him.
I first became fully aware of my father’s desire to disempower his kids when I was about 22 years old. The year was 1982, and jobs were very hard to come by in the United Kingdom in those days. I had an office job but wanted something better. So, I decided to attend school for a year to learn shorthand and typing at the local technical college.
One day, I asked my dad if I could get a ride with him to college, because I had to sit an important exam at 2pm that day. He said I need not worry, as he would drop me off in plenty of time. But then he proceeded to make every excuse not to leave the house!
By quarter to two, I started to panic, as I could not possibly walk or catch a bus from my house to the college with so little time. At ten minutes to two, he finally agreed to take me to sit the exam, but then when we got in the car, he said he needed to go to the garage for gas. I looked at the fuel gauge and saw the car’s tank was full.
I suddenly realized he did not want me to sit the exam, as he did not want me to pass it and better myself and become more independent. Thankfully, his sabotage attempt failed, as I did pass the exam and went on to get a higher paying job.
Our Deepest Wound Can Become Our Greatest Power
Mercury retrograde thankfully ends today! Astrologers predicted this retrograde would allow us the freedom to purify our lives by releasing people, circumstances, and behaviors that are holding us back or no longer serve us. It certainly kicked up a lot of old wounds and baggage for many of my clients, and also for myself.
This was probably due to a number of reasons, including Uranus and Venus both being retrograde at the same time, and the combination of Mercury retrograde occurring along with a Full Moon in Cancer on January 17th. Many people I did readings for during this astrological period were all dealing with painful memories, unhealed traumas, and intense emotions.
At one point I decided to take a break myself, to create some space and allow my own unresolved emotion to surface. Every time I found becoming unnecessarily defensive, or attempting to place blame on others, I immediately pivoted my attention back to myself and ventured within – to where the origination of this pain truly stemmed from.
I especially found my thoughts were constantly going to my parents and particularly to my mother. My maternal grandmother passed away when my mom was only 13 years old. This has been a recurring theme throughout my life, with me wondering if this had anything to do with my mom always being so hard on me? I, fact, it became the official ‘excuse’ for our difficult relationship.
My recent retrograde self-exploration made me realize that no matter how hard my brain might try to rationalize this old pain, my body still would not accept it. For the first time in all these years, I finally allowed myself to go inside this wound, to examine my inner truth. I had a conversation with this old wound and allowed it to speak to me directly.
When You Wish Upon A Star
My dad always said one should make a wish on the very first star that you see every night. Anything your heart desires will come true. When you see, or hear the word star…what emotions arise in you?
Think of how many up-lifting songs have been written about the stars. The first song many people learn on an instrument is often Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. It reminds me of the theme song for the Walt Disney classic, Pinocchio. It is such a ‘feel-good’ song. When you wish upon a star it makes no difference who you are.
For some of us a star was the very first symbol that made us feel good about ourselves as children. In kindergarten getting a star for a job well done was a big deal! It always had such a sense of pride to show my parents at the end of a week how many gold star papers I had acquired.
A great pastime for children, especially at summer camp here in Maine, is laying on the ground looking up at the stars and hoping to see a shooting star.
Night people often say they get their batteries recharged by looking at the moon and stars. It brings them a sense of peace and hope for the future. One thing we can always count on is the sun, moon and stars will shine again.
Looking at the heavens for answers, ancient mariners used the stars to navigate where they were on the ocean. Sailors learned how to navigate by watching the movement of the stars.
According to natural navigating coach, Tristan Gooley, the North Star, known as Polaris is directly above the North Pole. “This means that whenever we point towards the spot on the horizon directly below the North Star, we must be pointing north,” he writes.
The Gift Of Kindness
I was thinking today of the many beautiful acts of kindness people have shown me since my husband passed away last year. And then, some song lyrics from the movie, The Sound of Music, came to mind:
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.
Yes, perhaps I did some good somewhere in my life, and now I am getting some of it back, tenfold, or more!
There was a period of time, after his sudden death, when it felt as if I was carried by the locals here in Spain. I was pretty much told what to do and not just offered help. For example, when I got the news of his passing from the policeman who answered his phone at the car crash scene, I immediately went on ‘autopilot’ and attempted to cancel a coffee date I had with one of my best friends. But she simply said, “I am coming, you aren’t going alone to the scene. I am going with you!” And then she saw to everything. I was unable to speak in any language at that point, and fortunately she took over.
Christmas and New Year followed, and again my friend told me, in no uncertain terms: you are going to be with me and my family during this period. I began finding reasons and excuses as to why I might not be able to get to their home, including a possibility of snow, which had us housebound for a few days a couple of years prior. But, they were having none of that. My friend’s husband said, “My tractor will reach you whatever the weather!”
Post-death paperwork is messy in a foreign country. Red tape and bureaucracy can be a nightmare in Spain, if there is no last will and testament! Once again, I was given months of unconditional help by friends and neighbors, as we went from one government department to another to sort out complications. Even the lawyers assisting with the car insurance policy, which went above and beyond their pro bono role in the arrangements. They would accept no further payment, but were delighted when I gifted them each some Doreen Virtue angel cards in Spanish.
De-Cluttering For Body, Mind & Spirit
For me the average household chore is only temporarily rewarding, because before you know it, the serenity which comes from the cleanliness and order you’ve just created is short lived. Dust and chaos return in a flash!
On the other hand, I find ‘de-cluttering’ much more rewarding, and more so knowing that a lot of ‘stuff’ not used in a while is either going to someone who can use it, or to help in raising funds for one of the animal charities I support.
More frequently these days, people are adopting a minimalist feng shui approach to furnishing their homes – and also in other areas of their lives – because somewhere deep down we all long for the space and lack of gadgets and stuff that our forefathers managed quite happily without.
Much has been brought to our TV screens these days in the way of reality shows about compulsive hoarding, bringing awareness about how the obsession of accumulating a vast amount of things is actually an emotional issue, rather than one of material usefulness.
Advances of modern civilization are generally limited to the material. So, our spiritual and mental progress hasn’t kept up with the material, hence people’s anguished stories, which I feel is accentuated because their spiritual development hasn’t kept up with their worldly achievements.
The benefit of clearing out that which no longer serves us helps in two major ways:
Clouds Of Love Over The Rainbow Bridge
Yesterday, at sunrise, I was driving my cat to the veterinarian’s consulting room. Approximately fifteen minutes into our journey, there was a beautiful rainbow ahead. With little traffic on the road at that early hour, I could ponder its splendor. Then, my thoughts drifted to the Rainbow Bridge and all my beloved pets that have crossed that bridge to the Other Side.
I thought of each one of the special furry souls that have graced my life with their presence over the years. I felt such a strong telepathic communication with each one of them in that moment. Finally, I thought of the little one who most recently passed, and the love and lessons we shared.
Then I ‘heard’…and what about me? At that very moment, I noticed two large cloud formations had formed in the sky that resembled the front and the back view of my little dog, Nel. The shape and detail of the clouds were exactly like her!
Nel was a special part of my life and her passing very traumatic, especially since she died so young. Was I meant to miss her in my thoughts so she could come through as such a beautiful vision? I may never know the answer to that, but I do know what I witnessed was profound and very real.
So much has been written about the Rainbow Bridge. Yesterday, it all seemed highly relevant, because the day before setting out to the vet, I had been arranging some memorabilia on new shelves in my home that showcase pictures of all my pets who crossed over rainbow bridge. It is on display with some trinkets that remind me of them, like name tags and pretty boxes with their ashes I had not yet sprinkled.
The Mysteries Of Ancestral Roots And Past Lifetimes
In readings spirit will often show me the regions and nationalities of a client’s ancestry. For instance, if I see symbols of Scotland or Ireland, I will mention it to them, and they may already know that they have those regions in their bloodline, or they have always felt a strong resonance with that particular area.
I find this interesting, because it is often the case that a person’s ancestry and family origins in this lifetime often also has a metaphysical connection to their past lives. I have had flashes during psychic readings of certain events and scenes from a client’s past life in certain place, with the client then informing me that their ancestors in fact come from that area.
This made me ponder my own Celtic past lives and how this also happens to be where some of my ancestors originate from. This also brought me to think about our spirit guides and how they also tend to link to these ancestral regions. Ireland, for example, is a place that has always held a magical energy. Egypt is another place that generates very strong past life memory and associations for me.
I have also noticed that spirit often sends me people for past life readings who are also connected to these places and cultures. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if I knew some of my current clients in those past lifetimes. And did we also engage in joint spiritual practices back then?
I have always found it intriguing why psychics tend to find some people incredibly easy to read for, and others not. Sometimes, I feel as is if I have known a new client for years, as if I recognize them from a former life, with no logical explanation.
