loss
Finding The Courage To Heal
All of us will experience some heartache, adversity and grief in our life. It may be a serious health scare, the ending of a relationship or marriage, the tragic loss of a loved one, retrenchment from a ‘secure’ job, sudden bankruptcy, becoming homeless due to a foreclosure, or becoming the victim of abuse and violence.
These major setbacks in life can be truly devastating, and the pain and trauma extremely difficult to rise up from again. In such times of loss or trauma, it is vital to allow yourself to feel your true emotions. To effectively process and heal from traumatic events. hardship and bereavement, we must acknowledge our raw feelings. Grief and trauma are deeply private and personal journeys with no rules and no deadlines.
However, do not allow the ego to keep you trapped indefinitely in a place of anger, bitterness, hopelessness, or self-pity. If left unattended for too long, our initial emotional responses to the negative event can become toxic in a way that simply keeps us away from our truly divine self and our future happiness.
Yes, it is always hard work to release intense loss or trauma and move forward. It takes courage, self-awareness, and inner strength. However, if you proceed with faith, trusting and believing that this too shall pass, and that there is a reason for everything, even if you don’t understand it right now, you will ultimately be able to move forward in a healthy and productive way.
No matter what happens to you in life, you will grow stronger and wiser by working through it. Regardless how intense the dark night of your soul may be, move forward step by step, day by day, trusting that you can heal and will become stronger. Focus on self-care and loving yourself and hold the faith that better days are coming into your life. We all deserve to be happy and have inner peace.
Paw Prints All Over My Heart
The agony of losing a dog is immeasurable. I lost my beloved Oliver, a King Charles Cavalier, several months ago and I’m still crying every day. But I have found some consolation in his afterlife signs and visits from the other side.
He was 11 years old and in perfect health, or so I thought. He’d had a full checkup three months prior and he had the test results of a very young dog! I also used to take him on long walks every day, his head held high, his tail wagging happily, a prancing skip in his step.
He was such a loving, happy dog. He stopped for every human, always begging for their attention and a pat on the head. Everyone knew him and loved him in the neighborhood.
He followed me around everywhere, lay under the table as I worked, always got up to join me for Yoga, and I left a spot for him behind my pillow every night at bedtime. I took him everywhere with me.
My 90-year-old mom lives across the street and that was his second home. He loved it there. One day, I was out running errands and he got loose. He then came knocking on my mom’s door looking for me there. She was always happy to see him and invited him in.
One day he simply stopped eating. He refused his favorite dog treats, would not even sniff peanut butter. Then he stopped drinking water. We immediately took him to the vet for tests. Not long after, the kind doctor phoned. My heart sank. “His organs are already shutting down, there’s nothing we can do for him,” he said.
We rushed back to the vet, praying he would hang on long enough so we could say our goodbyes. He did hang on for us. My husband, daughter and I were all together when we first picked him up as a puppy and now we were together to see him off. They didn’t even need to sedate him; he was already leaving his body and was calm as can be.
Just before they gave him the final injection, he suddenly turned his head and focused. I thought his loving gaze was on all of us, but my daughter insists he was only looking at me. There was no question he loved us all, but I did have an incredibly special connection with Oliver.
The Moral Of The Story
Since childhood, I have always loved fables and allegories, as well as the parables in The Bible. Indeed, one of my favorites is The Widow’s Two Mites in Luke 21. As a little girl, I used to listen intently to the story of the poor widow who gave more generously to charity than anyone else in the temple, because she gave all that she had. The life lessons and spiritual wisdom in these stories fascinated me.
Recently, I discovered an amusing tale that deals with both the ego and the need to be pragmatic. Three monks sat on a bankside, each in deep meditation. One of the monks, however, became cold, and this interrupted his ability to meditate. He told the other two that he was heading back to their cabin to find his blanket. Off he went, crossing the stream both ways with no problem. Soon he was back, in next to no time, and as dry as he was when he had left.
A short while later, another monk remembered that he had not left his wet clothes out to dry, so he too needed to head back to the cabin to tend to his laundry. Off he also went. The third monk saw, in amazement, how he easily walked across the water back to the cabin, and when he returned, just like the other monk, he was as dry as he had set off.
Seeing his two fellow monks cross the creek without getting wet infuriated the third monk. “So, you think you are both better than me!” he yelled at them. “Well, I will show you that if you can walk on water, then so can I!”
He ran up to the stream, put his foot on the surface of the water and instantly fell in, waist-deep! As a result, the third monk became even angrier and yet more determined to walk on the water. But time and time again he attempted to cross the creek without getting wet, but to no avail.
Distraught by his many failed attempts, one of the other two monks turned around to his friend and said, “Don’t you think it is time we tell him where those stepping stones are?”
This story did not only make me smile, but it also made me reflect upon my life. Indeed, there have been times when I allowed my ego, needlessly, to stand in the way of my better judgment. Like that third monk, I have also allowed myself to become envious and upset by comparing my own achievements to that of others.
Find The Eye Of The Storm
Your relationship is falling apart, you have lost your job, your finances are in a shambles, you suffer an unexpected loss due to a global pandemic. Chaos comes in many forms and at times it touches multiple areas of our lives at once.
The ripple effect starts in one area and then spreads insidiously, until every aspect of your life begins to look very bleak. Your emotional reserves are drained, confusion sets in and you feel stuck, powerless…reeling from the shock.
When things turn bad in your life this way it can have the force and power of a hurricane or tornado. It can be devastating.
Perhaps you sensed it coming. Your intuitive radar was ‘pinging’, sensing imminent danger, or maybe it caught you completely off-guard. Either way, the results are the same.
Now what? How do you get your bearings, recover your sense of direction, recharge your battery and get the inner strength to move forward?
All tropical storms have a center, or an eye. The stronger the storm the calmer the eye, which is characterized by lighter winds and a clearer sky. So, take a breath – a deep breath – and find your center. Find the eye of your storm.
Making decisions from fear or chaos always increases the strength and ferocity of the storm. Remember, all storms do pass. The beauty of life lies in the newness and change each moment offers us.
The Soul Future Of Past Relationships
To outward appearances, endings are a structural matter – now there is a relationship, now there is no relationship. From the soul point of view, ending is a different experience of the relationship.
Ending is not literal at all, but rather a radical shift in imagination. For example, a woman’s father passes on. In her soul the relationship may now intensify and may become the dominant myth shaping her other relationships, her career, and every other aspect of her life.
Memories of her father may now become more vivid than ever, and new feelings may surface. He may be more influential in her life now than when he was alive.
Another example might be a man who divorces his wife, thinking that now his thoughts will turn toward a new life. With the struggle of decision and separation now passed, feelings formerly nudged out of awareness now come to the forefront.
Completely unexpectedly, he now has dreams of her seducing him, suggesting that in some way ‘she’ now has renewed desired for him. Years later, he says what many people say: “I didn’t have to go through that divorce. If only I had known then what I know now…”
Apparently there is something in every relationship that is eternal, that goes on forever, and that wants to be exempted from the life-decision to cut ties. If you are experiencing this, it is not your imagination. You are simply being quite human.
Obviously, our relationships are not as simple or as limited in scope as we sometimes like to think them to be. There are only so many people we come to know in a lifetime, and an even smaller number with whom we live intimately. Continue reading
Asking ‘Why’ When A Loved One Is Lost
When you lose someone you love in a sudden, unexpected way, such as suicide, a car accident, murder, or domestic violence, it always seems so unfair and tragic. It is usually so difficult to understand why this had to happen?
The truth is that we will never truly know the ‘why’ of things. The biggest regret that I hear from so many bereaved people is that they never had a chance to say goodbye.
Someone passing due to old age or illness usually affords us the time to prepare for the loss and to say our goodbyes. Typically, you will haves some time with the person, to be kinder, to be compassionate and to let them know how much they are loved. A sudden passing robs us of all of this.
I am personally very aware of the emotions, feelings and experiences that come after a loved one’s life is lost so suddenly and unexpectedly. More than a decade ago, I lost my stepson to suicide. He was only 32 years old. Within 2 days of this tragedy, a another local young man also took his life. He was only 22.
The widespread trauma of the pandemic over this past year has brought back many of these feelings for me. Many people I know, all men, have taken their own lives because they have lost their jobs, businesses or life partners. Some of these men were successful business owners, but the lockdowns triggered something inside of them that led them to think suicide was a better way, or the only way out.
I talk to an abuse counselor at least two to three times a month and we discuss the unavailability of abused women to get help, because the shelters that are there to protect them are usually full to capacity. I personally know two women whose lives were tragically ended by an abusive partner or ex-partner who they just could not get away from. You read about these cases almost every day. It makes zero sense if you try to find the logic in it.
And accidents happen in the blink of an eye. Yesterday, it was two locals snowmobiling in our area, who hit each other head on. One passed instantly, the other suffered only minor injuries. The week before it was a tractor trailer hitting a car that pulled out in front of it. The truck driver is fine, but the car and passenger is no longer with us. Continue reading
Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Life Today
It has been nearly a full year since many countries started going into their first lockdowns due to the global pandemic. Some people have endured much suffering and loss, especially due to the passing of loved ones.
Some have also become ultra-stressed working on the front lines in healthcare facilities, nursing homes and many other essential services. Many have lost income, jobs and businesses. Many are facing mental health challenges. Many schools have been shuttered and teaching became virtual. Parents have been struggling to multi-task between working at home and entertaining or educating their kids.
Regardless of where we find ourselves on this stress continuum, it is important to try to find some order in all the chaos. Although it might be hard to reconcile with the state of the world as it is today, it is still vitally important to carve out a little time for self-care and putting yourself first.
Just a few brief minutes of deep breathing, visualization, meditation, reading uplifting books, journaling, or a perhaps the luxury of a quick walk outside to clear the cobwebs can all work wonders! Whatever is feasible on any given day, it is important that you create a little oasis of calm for yourself. Reduce the pressure of the day by showing yourself some love and respect first.
If you are in doubt as to where to start, you can begin by just focusing on some gratitude and appreciation. Despite all the loss and heartache many of us have suffered in recent months, there is always something for which we can be grateful. Whether it is something grandiose and eventful or small and precious only to our hearts, give thanks for whatever comes to mind.
Love can be a wonderful motivator. We often do things for the people we love, rather than doing those same things for ourselves. It can feel wonderful to see the reaction of our little ones, spouses, elders, colleagues, or neighbors when we say or do something special to surprise them or acknowledge them. That is all it takes to show some love, compassion, appreciation and friendship.