priorities
Dragging A ‘Knapsack Of Irrelevance’
Reading for a client recently revealed her toxic work environment, and how one co-worker in particular was making things very unpleasant for her at the office. It reminded me of a short-lived, but very unpleasant working situation I found myself in years ago.
I was scheduled to work with a woman for a couple of weeks who had an extremely negative attitude and was having a profound effect on me. I shared this unpleasant situation with my boyfriend at the time, and his view was that I was just carrying around a ‘knapsack of irrelevance.’
I was so upset! How could he even think that? However, he did give me some food for thought when he then also said, “Just consider how you will think about this situation in a few years from now. How much will it matter then?”
Well, that did help to put things into perspective. And guess what? Just as he predicted, I forgot all about it until this recent reading with my client! Yes, he was correct. After all the years, remembering that brief work situation made me realize that it never had any major relevance or importance to my life. Stressing and worrying about it was indeed just a waste of time and energy.
I met this particular ex-boyfriend in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). He was very well-versed in the twelve steps and other tools helpful in achieving and maintaining sobriety. He also gave me an Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet, which I have to this day, which reads:
Looking Within – A Message From My Guides
As the holiday season starts to ramp up around the world, everything becomes more and more hectic. Travel plans are made early. Gifts are purchased. Party invitations are extended. New outfits are bought. Menus are set. Baking is done. It is a wondrous time of year, to give thanks and to show appreciation to family, friends, neighbors and colleagues.
Under these circumstances, it is understandable that stress abounds too. For some people, in addition to all the excitement, there is a real feeling of obligation. The expectations of others can be overwhelming and, of course, it is impossible to please everyone. There is also the feeling that time is running too short to accomplish everything on the to-do list. Demands on your time can seem endless and unreasonable.
For others, the holiday season can be a very quiet and somewhat lonely time. Old memories can be triggered. Losses can become more heightened and a sense of sadness can prevail. In the Northern Hemisphere, the days get shorter and sometimes much colder, so sunlight isn’t as prevalent to perk you up and lighten your spirit.
Whether you are run off your feet or living a more solitary lifestyle, we recommend that you make some time to look within. A daily meditation habit can do wonders to give you a sense of peace, calm and gratitude. A quiet mind at the start of your day can prepare you for the remainder of each day as it unfolds. A peaceful feeling can help you to put things into perspective so as not to worry, overreact or panic unnecessarily.
Everyone has a ‘little narrator’ inside their head who is constantly chatting up a storm. If this little chatterbox was a real person sitting with you in your living room or in the car, you would eventually ask him or her to stop talking for a while so that you could think, read, watch TV, listen to music, converse, drive, and so on. However, because everyone has grown quite accustomed to this little tag-along giving constant commentary throughout the day, you carry on in spite of the continual interruptions.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish
Empaths are givers first and foremost. Loyal, sometimes to a fault, and fiercely protective of those they care about… moving at lightning speed whenever called upon.
So, when I say to an empath that it may be time to put themselves first, the response is often mixed. But, if putting yourself first seems too selfish or too difficult, try something simpler: at least put yourself on an equal footing with those you love and care for.
For many sensitive and highly intuitive people, self-care must be an acquired behavior… and it’s a big one. Empaths intend to be selfless, to help, heal and facilitate those they care about. Wonderful! But remember, if this is your goal, then begin with yourself. The stronger, healthier and happier you are then the more effective, nurturing and supportive you can be to those around you.
Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you are doing only what you want to do all the time, and it doesn’t mean that you are suddenly going to ignore those you care about. What it does mean is making it a priority to take care of your own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. This can be a tall order and quite the task for some empaths. Don’t wait until you are in a meltdown… frustrated and snapping at everything and everyone around you, with little or no provocation.
How To Keep Your Relationship Strong
Why is it that some relationships are successful, and some are not? When you fall in love your hope is obviously that it will last forever. There is nothing worse than falling for someone, only to end up heartbroken and confused about what had gone wrong, and wondering how you can go back to the way things used to be.
So, the question is, how do some relationships manage to last and stay so strong? I believe it begins with the simple things, like how we greet each other every day, for example. Making the effort to kiss our partner hello and goodbye every time we leave and arrive, is a thoughtfulness that can go a long, long way. It keeps the flame of intimacy burning so much stronger. We should also learn to say “I love you” without any restraints. Those three little words mean so much.
Sometimes of course there will be arguments in a relationship. Developing healthy conflict management skills is therefore essential. We might hit a nerve with each other, but just because we’re mad does not mean we don’t love each other. Every fight does not mean that your relationship is over. Any couple that goes the distance can rise above fights and realize what’s most important.
Learning To Say Yes To Yourself
It is in the empath’s nature to say ‘yes’ to just about anything requested of them. It goes against our grain. For some of us, saying ‘no’ also brings on fears of rejection, abandonment or letting someone down when it may be important to support them. Rather than finding an excuse, or simply telling the truth, many of us give in and just go along. It just feels easier in the moment, and even validating or satisfying.
But when you end that phone call, or respond to another text, and you feel anxious and panicked, while you start going over all the other things that will have to fall to the wayside by saying yes, then you really are saying no to yourself. Self-care requires that we sometimes say no to others, in order to say yes to our own well-being and peace of mind. Consequently, the person that you said yes to won’t be getting the best of you. If you have said yes at your own expense, then what you bring to the table for that person is stress and anxiety. Your best self will not be fully present.
Saying yes, when you really want to say no, can also lead to resentment that you then attach to the person who asked for your assistance. Here the responsibility lies with ourselves. We teach people how to treat us and many times we don’t give others enough credit for understanding when we say no. Most people would rather hear. “No thanks, that time doesn’t work for me” or “I have other commitments,” instead of having to sense a half-hearted or less than enthusiastic yes.