self-help
Spiritual Living Still Requires Sustainable Action
As a spiritual counselor to many with the gift of intuition, my goal is to connect with the unseen to inspire others to live in the world that I know is still possible, where avoidable suffering and tragedy are events of the past, and where each of us can live our best lives ever.
A dear friend recently contacted me from beautiful California, where multiple wildfires, fueled by the annual Santa Ana winds, have been raging throughout the state. I asked how she was faring during the season of high winds and smoke, and her reply was that life was normal as usual and that nothing out of the ordinary was occurring.
Having lived through wildfires, earthquakes, storms, and other extreme events of nature, I was taken aback that my friend seemed unshaken by the present threats. But then I remembered the refrain that my dear mother often repeated, “This too shall pass.” This was often coupled with another reminder that prayer, or positive thoughts, also require a corresponding, uplifting action.
Before my conversation with my friend ended, I carefully coached her to always be ready to protect herself and her family in the face of developments that were beyond her realm of control – especially from that deep spiritual center she draws her life’s energy and direction.
Spiritually speaking, we all have the right to be safe in the presence natural events, or unexpected crisis that may arise in our worlds. But living a life guided by Spirit also requires that we do our part to protect ourselves. This protection might take the form of creating a financial nest egg to keep afloat in the event there is a major change with employment, for example. Our personal responsibility might also manifest as shoring up one’s pantry with food and water in event a grocery supply is hampered.
Dealing With A Narcissistic Partner
We all know at least one narcissist. It’s that toxic person in your life who seems charming and likable at first, but is actually extremely self-centered, has an inflated ego, shows no empathy or remorse, and can even become abusive. But what if that person is your partner, or someone you love?
Narcissists want to control. They want others to see them as important, superior and in charge. To a narcissist, someone who suffers from compromised self-esteem, is easy prey, which is why many people who have a narcissistic partner find it difficult to break it off.
Abuse is not always physical. It also takes the form of verbal insults, emotional manipulation or gaslighting, withholding affection, and unequal sharing of duties. All of these forms of abuse feed into a narcissist’s egotism. Narcissists typically try to rope their partners into joining into these negative, harmful relationship patterns.
So, what do you do when you find yourself attached to an abusive narcissist? At first, it’s easy to try and explain away their abusive behavior by citing times when they shows affection, brought gifts, or offered kindness and emotional support. They are good at pretending, but don’t be fooled.
Setting up healthy and definitive boundaries is the first and best defense. Know that you have the right to say no at any time! Falling for gaslighting, emotional manipulation and blackmail is an easy trap, and most narcissists are masters at these psychological games. If you’re unsure of yourself, role-play with a trusted friend or counselor, or read up on the subject. Like most difficult things in life, it takes practice.
Loser-Victims And Their Helpers
If you grow up receiving a lot of ‘negative attention’ you are taught that love feels and sounds like being told (or shown) that you are always wrong, slow, stupid, annoying, useless, not worth the time and energy, not lovable, and never, ever, good enough. This means that as a child, you would only receive attention when you were told that you were doing things wrong, or that you were a ‘loser.’ This early patterning gets imprinted in the still developing neural pathways of a child.
If you grew up receiving a lot of negative attention, as an adult your way of ‘winning’ in life, and your way of feeling accepted and loved, is to seek negative attention… and turn yourself into a loser and victim.
Someone who has been raised in this manner, tend to insert themselves into the lives of people they think matter to them. They target people who seem important to them and whose opinions matter. They will then consistently create situations where they can be the loser. They will always be the one that is ‘slow,’ the one that ‘can’t be helped,’ or the one with poor social skills.
The Importance Of Self-Trust
Of all the relationships in our life, none is more complicated or important than the one we have with ourselves. The cornerstone of this relationship is self-trust.
Unfortunately it is quite easy to damage the trust we place in ourselves. Why? Because during our lives all of us have, or will, make choices and decisions that don’t produce the desired outcome.
We all fail, and we all make mistakes. A relationship fails and we blame or question ourselves. A job opportunity eludes us, or a friendship fractures beyond repair.
We lose self-trust when we don’t achieve a goal, whatever that goal may be. Then we begin to question our abilities, our dreams and our worthiness to have them manifest in our life.
Every time we replay an event that we label a failure, the doubt in our judgment and our self-worth increases. Self-confidence stems from self-trust, so the cycle can become vicious and destructive.
So, how can we repair self-trust? First, decide to give yourself a break. You made what you believed to be the best decision or choice in the moment. If you are saying, “No, I didn’t! I knew I should have done it differently,” then stop the that negative thought pattern, and choose instead to forgive yourself for not trusting your instincts in that moment. Holding a grudge against yourself only assures that the pattern will repeat.
Next, decide to honor your emotions. If you have made choices and decisions that you perceive as a failure, then the tendency is to begin to substitute the opinions of others over our own intuition, desires and dreams. This pattern can lead to co-dependency, confusion and fear. Self-trust is harnessed when we follow our sacred wisdom, instead of looking outside ourselves to provide inner peace.
Let The Tarot Speak To You
I can remember, like it was yesterday, the first time I picked up a deck of Tarot cards and it spoke to me. As I recall, it was the Four of Swords card that was my first introduction to the deck. What it revealed to me at the time was daunting. “You don’t do this often enough…and we are going to show you how,” the card said.
I was surprised and intrigued! So, I pulled another card. This time it was one of the Major Arcana cards. Death, to be exact. This time the card said, “Changes are coming, and you must do it and not be afraid. We will get through this together, but you have to let go of the old in order to embrace the new.”
This, mind you, was all happening during my first Saturn Return around age 29. I already had ‘all hell breaking loose’ as it was. I’d left a ‘good job,’ which I hated. My mother did not understand and, since she worked for the government, even called her friends at the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)…because I was thinking of leaving town. I actually did leave, but turned around and came right back, but that’s a story for another day.
So, my Saturn Return was complicated enough, and it was about to get even more so. Talking Tarot cards, indeed! But so it was that they spoke to me. And that was how I got to know each of them, along with much further reading and studying, of course. But nothing can give you the true feel for a Tarot card, but a Tarot card itself.
The cards continued to communicate with me throughout the years, and eventually they decided it was time I share what they say with others. So, here we go with three of my favorite examples of what they have to say.
No More Procrastination
Do you also procrastinate? Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task that needs to be accomplished by a certain deadline. Or do you sometimes intentionally delay the completion of a task, despite knowing it might have negative consequences? Ninety five percent of people procrastinate at some point in life.
To break the habit of procrastination we must find some self-compassion when a task at hand causes us stress just thinking about tackling it. Some tasks just seem too big or overwhelming, and we can’t seem to motivate ourselves to get it done.
Procrastination makes most people feel guilt and shame. For some extreme procrastinators, negative feelings may trigger another reason not to complete a task. Only to become a vicious cycle of self-defeat. Most procrastinators tend to put off endings, as well as beginnings and commitments.
I have a close friend that has all kinds of ideas for a book she is writing. While collecting material, she put of starting the actual writing for three years. She felt she needed several points of view about the subject matter. She always needed one more.
Now, 13 years later, she can’t seem to stop writing the same book. The idea of being an author just feels so good to her now. The added benefit of this is that whenever she is asked what she has been up to, she loves to say, “I’m writing a book.”.
Do It Anyway
No matter what we go through in life and with who, we always come back to the same place… a familiar place of being alone. The thought occurred to me the other day that we come into this world alone, and we go out alone.
Though we may be surrounded by others, at the end of the day, we are still alone when we go to sleep at night. Even if we are married, or in a relationship with someone who sleeps next to us, we still enter into the sleep state or dream state, alone.
Have you ever noticed that people who are comfortable being alone, have somehow mastered being alone without being lonely? There is a true comfort, freedom, and delight in being by oneself, alone. When we are alone, we can take an honest inventory of our life, who we choose to spend time with, and also decide how we wish to spend our time.
The relationship arena seems to be one of the most challenging areas of life. We all fall into traps and pitfalls that can steer us away from our natural state of happiness , which we come home to when we are alone. However, relationships also seem to provide a fast track for our own personal growth by revealing how we interact with other people.
Our relationships point out areas within ourselves that may require growth or increased self-love. Simply put, relationships show us exactly where we need to focus on to come back to a state of wholeness.