toxic relationship
Maybe It’s Time To Let Go Of The Baggage
Most people who make New Year’s resolutions don’t keep them. Every year we tell ourselves it’s time to move on, to change, to leave negative people and influences in the past, and yet we rarely follow through. We wonder if it is even possible to let go of the things that hold us back?
Yes, it certainly is!
The first step is to simply make the decision that it’s time to let go of all the old baggage in your life. To do this we must be completely honest about what’s really holding us back and why it’s so difficult to let go. This is sometimes best done with the help of a coach or mentor, such as a therapist, spiritual advisor or trusted friend, who will listen and guide you objectively.
Until we have a true understanding of all our baggage and our own part in it, it will never go away. We must also be gentle and accepting as we travel this path. The past can never be undone, but it can be learned from and it can help us move into a better future.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time.” It’s within our power to change negative thinking patterns and habits. Good habits take at least a month to wire into our brains. Start with affirmations, practice better self-care, and stop obsessing about things you can’t change or control. Over time, you’ll find yourself making better decisions that aren’t tainted by the past.
Protect Yourself From Energy Vampires
People have the power to either energize or drain us because we are all energetic spiritual beings in human form. This is especially true if you are highly sensitive and empathic.
Energy vampires are people who mostly unintentionally drain or ‘steal’ the energy of others, leaving everyone they interact with feeling mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually drained, even depressed.
Although they may not be intentionally malicious or evil, their dysfunctional personalities and toxic behavior patterns can have a detrimental effect on our health and well-being.
Energy thieves are everywhere, from the workplace to our social circles. Understanding their effects and protecting yourself from their toxicity is critical to mental and emotional well-being.
It is important to recognize the signs and patterns in your interactions with these people. There are many signs that you may be the victim of an energy vampire. Some of the most common indicators include feeling drained or exhausted, having a change in mood or energy level, or difficulty concentrating or making decisions after spending time with someone. You may also feel that you are always giving and never receiving from someone, or that you are being used or manipulated by them.
The Law Of Reverse Effect
I remember talking to a very distraught client a few years ago about a man with whom she had been having a secret affair for 24 years. It was a relationship she was very obsessed with and had stubbornly pursued for over two decades, despite many red flags and a great deal of frustration and disappointment along the way.
When this man finally got up the courage to divorce his wife, he left not only his wife, but also his mistress. Within three months, he was in a relationship with someone new and told my client that he never really felt that way about her anyway.
She wanted to know how this could be? She expected with 100% certainty that he would be with her and no one else after the divorce, but the exact opposite happened. After all, she had put a lot of time, effort, energy, love, and devotion into this secret relationship, not to mention all the stress, frustration and drama she had to endure for over two decades.
At the time, this tragic story made me think about some of the free will choices I have made in my own life. There have been times when I, too, have stubbornly expected things to turn out a certain way for me because I pursued it with vigor, only to be devastated when it did not. For example, many years ago, a guy I had a huge crush on and thought was really into me ended up hitting on my best friend while we were out on a date! I guess the moral of the story is to never pursue someone who is not really that into you.
Embrace Your Personal Power In Relationships
Our relationships have great power and influence in our lives. In particular, many of us spend countless hours pursuing love and romance. Then, once we are in a relationship, we spend even more time and energy thinking about it, confiding in friends about it…often trying to make the relationship different or better.
I deal with this almost daily as I have counseled hundreds of lovesick, frustrated, and heartbroken clients over the years.
“If only he would do what I want, things would be different,” some of my clients might say. “If only he would be more open and honest, maybe I could trust him more.” Truth be told, I have heard similar words come out of my own mouth about my own relationships more times than I care to admit!
Unfortunately, instead of successfully influencing our partner’s words or behavior, we are often left feeling disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, powerless, or out of control. It is draining, pointless, and definitely not the best use of one’s time and energy.
So how do we change it? How do we take emotional control of our life and our relationships? The answer is shockingly simple.
It is all about taking a different, broader perspective on relationships and what they are here to teach us. A quote from Unity Church’s Daily Word magazine perfectly captures this shift in perspective: “Through our relationships with one another, we express the power, presence and love of God.”
When It’s Time To Draw The Line!
There comes a time when you need to draw a line and walk away from people who constantly disrespect, criticize, or belittle you.
Even if you can’t walk away completely because you’re related, you need to at least set some clear boundaries and keep them at arm’s length.
But in some cases, it is best to have no contact at all with toxic relatives.
The great spiritual teachers have all taught us the same golden rule.
Jesus said, “In all things do to others as you would have them do to you, for this is the sum total of the Law and the Prophets.”
Buddha said, “Do not harm others in a way that you would not harm yourself.”
Muhammad said, “None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.”
Krishna said, “This is the sum total of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to yourself.”
Well, the same is true in reverse. You are a child of the Divine. You were created in the image of God. You are a spiritual being in human form. No one has the right to treat you any way they would not want to be treated themselves.
Learning To Honor My Higher Self
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that made you feel very uncomfortable, upset, even angry, to the point where you could feel their negative, toxic energy attaching to you? I certainly have, more times than I care to remember.
This feeling of extreme discomfort is usually a clear sign that the interaction you are having with this person is going against your higher self. Yet, even though we are aware of this on some level, we often fail to do what is right for our highest good and instead continue to interact with the energy thief in question to our own detriment.
Truth be told, I have been guilty of this myself many times. Only to face the aftermath of unhappiness and disappointment for not honoring my higher self.
I have recently become increasingly aware of this personal failing and have been actively working to identify my motives for putting and keeping myself in these situations.
I have come so far in my quest for increased self-awareness and spiritual growth that I am willing to explore and deal with the deepest corners of my soul-self. True enlightenment is not only about our brightest achievements, but also about our darkest inner shadows.
Accepting The End Of A Relationship
Don’t resist change, even in love. It is always best to accept things when a relationship ends. Sometimes a door needs to be closed in order for another door to open down the road.
I have seen this in my own personal relationships and those of many of my clients and friends. If it’s meant to be and there is true, everlasting love between two souls, there can never be a permanent goodbye. Rest assured, if you are meant to be with your beloved, they will come back to you, or you will go back to them.
At some point we all experience the pain of saying goodbye to someone we love very much. Experiencing relationship break-up tends to turn our lives upside down. This is especially true when we have to close the door on someone we love very much when we don’t really want the relationship to end.
But if we do it in a way that leaves the door open for them to come back, then maybe we can have a new beginning later. We just have to do the very hard thing of saying goodbye and taking a step back for now. If we refuse to accept that a relationship is over, we only prolong the pain and dysfunction, and make it difficult to heal and grow from the issues that caused it to fail in the first place.
Instead, we should focus on ourselves and our own needs for a while. When we are in a relationship that is not working, it can be easy to neglect our own needs and issues. Accepting the end of a relationship allows us to focus on our own healing and well-being. No matter how hard we try to hold on, it will only make it more difficult to bring healing to the aspects of the relationship failure that need healing.