Being Your Strongest, Most Authentic Self

Many people tend to think that being vulnerable and open is a bad thing, because it makes them vulnerable to getting hurt in life and especially in relationships.

When someone disappoints or hurts us, whether deliberately or inadvertently, it is usually because they have deep wounds of their own that stems from their past, especially for their childhood. These unresolved traumas are often dormant and unconscious.

One might feel this is still no excuse to treat others poorly, or that they should know better. However, because these people typically have not done much inner work or self-healing to really know how to be in loving, happy, and functional relationships. I’m not condoning their bad behavior, but if they actually do not know any better, then how can one expect it from them?

I find people who are stuck in such patterns of hurting others are usually very much defensive and in denial.  If you gently suggest what you may need from them, or bring up an aspect that the two of you could work on together to improve the relationship, they tend to instantly throw what you say back in your face and make it all about you. Suddenly, all of it is your fault.

This defensive behavior is a clear signal that this person has a lot of hurt, and is either fearful or unable to work through it. Therefore, if you bring up something that triggers their pain, they immediately see it as a threat. They feel attacked, or that they are being made a scapegoat.

Nothing is better at making us commit acts of self-sabotage than lashing out when we feel attacked. It all comes down to choice ~ Leonie de Picciotto

When these types of issues in a romantic relationship can seem unresolvable and impossible to deal with, because one or both partners are too defensive and self-righteous to work things out. If someone is unwilling to work things out with you or always has to win every argument and be right, it is not up to you to convince them otherwise.  In find that stepping back and allowing them to remain stagnant in that vibration of having to be always right, seems to be the quickest way to show them that you are not the enemy and that you do not need them to see your way.

This is most challenging in any relationship where your needs are not being met, be it as a friend, coworker, relative or romantic partner.  If you are dealing with someone who is unwilling to compromise, truly listen and respect your feelings and needs, then you may want to carefully consider how much of your time and energy time you wish to give to this person.

It is vital to express yourself in any relationship. Sand if you do and you’re still getting an overly defensive response from the other person, then try leading by example. Show them that you don’t need them to agree with you. If they cannot respect your needs, it’s up to you in that moment to make a choice of how you wish to proceed in your own life and with the relationship.

Life is our teacher. Take some time to examine your own behavior and agenda.  If you feel unable to find a way to relate to a person, it is your duty to do the healing work within, whereby you will no longer need their approval.  This process can go through various stages, ranging from anger, to sadness, to fear, apathy, and then finally acceptance and greater self-respect.

When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turns encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you ~ Katie Christy 

When you are strong and sovereign within yourself, no one can make you feel defensive. When you need the approval of others or continuous reassurance from others that you are enough, or that you are right, you have not gained true self-confidence. In this state the proverbial ‘rug of life’ can get pulled out from under you at any moment! However, imagining yourself to be invulnerable and untouchable, without doing any of the inner work, is also fool’s errand and a very dangerous game.

Take the higher road and look to see what it is you’re truly defending. Be the example to others, by showing that the undefensive, vulnerable self truly is the strongest and most authentic self. There is no substitute for it. There is only one real you, and that you is the best you that you can ever be. And you may be surprised how overly defensive people in your life may change when you do.