‘Under-Doing’ For You And ‘Overdoing’ for Others?

Are you ‘under-doing’ for yourself, or perhaps ‘overdoing for others’ in order to gain approval and love? Many of us fall into this pattern without even realizing it.

When we are raised to be helpful, agreeable and accommodating, it can become second nature to say yes whenever someone asks something of us.

For some people it can take many years, sometimes even decades, to recognize that constantly putting others first may not always be the healthy or loving choice it appears to be.

Learning to set healthy boundaries is not something most of us are taught when we are young, especially if we have grown accustomed to keeping the peace by going along with what others want.

Many of us know what it feels like to be the person everyone relies on. When something needs to be done, we are the first person people think of. When someone needs help, they call us.

At first this can feel rewarding because we enjoy being supportive and dependable. Yet always being that ‘Yes’ person can quietly create an imbalance over time.

When we continually give our time, energy and attention to others without receiving the same in return, the natural flow of energy becomes disrupted. Healthy relationships usually involve a balanced exchange between people.

When the giving becomes one sided, we may eventually find ourselves feeling drained, unappreciated, or emotionally exhausted without quite understanding why.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others ~ Brené Brown

Understanding Energetic Exchange

A principle I learned while studying Reiki helped me understand this dynamic much more clearly. Many Reiki practitioners, particularly when they first begin their training, feel that they should offer healing sessions free of charge. The reasoning is usually that healing energy is a spiritual gift and should not be associated with money.

While the intention behind this belief is admirable, Reiki teachings explain that an energetic exchange between practitioner and recipient is actually very important. This does not necessarily mean charging a large fee. Often a small donation, a thoughtful gift, or even a token of appreciation is enough to create a balanced exchange.

What matters most is that the recipient also participates in the energetic flow. When something is given in return, however modest it may be, it creates a sense of harmony and mutual respect between both people involved. The energy moves in a circle rather than flowing in only one direction.

This same principle can be applied to many areas of our lives. When we constantly give without allowing others the opportunity to give something back, we can unintentionally create an imbalance that leaves us feeling depleted. Over time others may also come to expect this level of giving from us, simply because that is the pattern that has developed.

Reclaiming Your Personal Power

Something interesting often happens when we begin reclaiming our personal power and start saying no to things we do not feel comfortable doing. The people around us may not always welcome the change. In fact, some may prefer the older version of us who agreed with everything and rarely questioned what was asked.

I experienced this in my own life when I stopped immediately responding whenever one of my parents wanted something done. Often their requests involved doing something that went against what I felt comfortable with, or they would encourage me to ask favors of other people on their behalf.

For many years I went along with this because I loved my parents deeply and believed it was my role to help them whenever I could. Like many young people, I also believed my parents were right about everything. They were, after all, the adults in my life and I trusted their judgment completely.

As I grew older, however, I began to realize that agreeing to everything simply to keep the peace was not always the healthiest choice. There came a point where I started to politely decline certain requests or express my own thoughts on matters where I had previously stayed quiet.

This change did not go unnoticed. On one occasion I was told quite plainly, “I really dislike how you have changed. You used to agree with everything we said.”

Hearing those words was quite a wake up call. In truth, there was some accuracy in that statement. I had spent many years agreeing with everything simply because it seemed easier than creating tension.

As we mature we often begin to see that the people we once placed on pedestals are simply human beings with their own strengths, weaknesses and habits. They may love us deeply, yet still have controlling or manipulative tendencies that developed from their own upbringing.

Peers had occasionally pointed out that my father could be quite controlling. Years earlier I had even heard the same observation from a very perceptive numerologist who knew absolutely nothing about him personally. When she mentioned this during a reading it caught my attention immediately, because it reflected something I had quietly noticed myself.

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage to say ‘no’ to other things ~ Stephen R. Covey

Uncovering The Soul Lessons

From a spiritual perspective, I eventually began to see this experience in a different light. I came to feel that perhaps I had chosen him as a soul parent in order to learn about manipulation and control, and how to respond to it in a healthier way. Many spiritual teachings suggest that the relationships we encounter in life often bring us the lessons our souls intended to explore.

In the years since my father passed away he has come through twice during mediumship demonstrations. On both occasions he acknowledged that he had been controlling and asked for my forgiveness. He explained that he simply did not know any other way at the time and that he himself had grown up under the influence of a very controlling mother.

This was something I had witnessed firsthand as a child. She maintained a strong influence over the entire family, and it became clear to me later that some of those patterns had simply been carried forward. Recognizing this helped me understand how easily certain behaviors can pass from one generation to the next unless someone becomes aware of them and chooses to change the pattern.

Having experienced this type of family dynamic has also helped me relate to clients who are dealing with similar situations in their own lives. Many people struggle with guilt when they begin setting boundaries with family members who have grown used to having things their way.

Spiritual teachings often remind us that one of our most important tasks in this lifetime is learning how to truly love and nurture ourselves. For those who have spent many years trying to please others or avoid conflict, this lesson can take time to fully understand. Saying no does not come easily when being agreeable has been our normal way of keeping the peace.

Taking The First Small Steps

Personal growth often begins with small steps. Each time we listen to our inner guidance and decline something that does not feel right for us, we take another step toward honoring who we truly are.

As we continue moving forward on our earthly journey, it helps to acknowledge these moments of growth. Learning to say no when necessary does not make us selfish or uncaring. In many cases it simply reflects a growing awareness of our own needs and the importance of balance in our relationships.

Perhaps one of the most meaningful spiritual lessons we can learn is that loving others and respecting ourselves are not opposing ideas. When we learn to do both, we create relationships that are healthier, more balanced and far more authentic.

Each time we recognize that we have taken another step toward being true to ourselves, it is something worth appreciating. Becoming authentic and learning to honor our own boundaries may take time, but it is very much part of the spiritual journey we are all walking in this lifetime.