How To Be A Good Friend

I just read a blog written by a spiritual person feeling angry and lonely. She had reached out to a trusted friend, but the friend only wanted to talk about her own problems. And when she did pay some attention to her plight, the best the friend could offer was to be judgmental and unsympathetic. The author then also reached out for support on a social media group for spiritually aware people. Again, all of the members did the same thing her friend did: they judged!

The woman was having problems with her abusive neighbor and many people on the forum were giving advice for her to leave. They told her to move, find a better place to live, relocate. “Moving is 100% your choice,” one person commented. The first thing I thought was no, it isn’t. This particular woman, for example, had bought the house and had put a lot of money into renovating the house. She would need to sell, at a time when not many things are selling, and possibly suffer a significant financial loss.

Some even told her to get more exercise, so that she can relax and focus on other things. They told her she was responsible for her own choice of reactions and feelings in the situation. The only insensitive, stereotypical thing they didn’t say was to take a breath and calm down. Don’t you just hate it when someone says that? It does everything, but calm you down!

The people responding, in their judgment, needed to feel superior. It was about them, not her. Her responses were defensive, understandably. I felt by her response, they made her feel more lonely. Poor woman.

Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend ~ Albert Camus

A better response would have been to empathize with her. People need empathy more than they need your advice, criticism and judgment. Unless your friend is not terribly bright, they probably have thought about all those obvious solutions already, like moving away, or getting a lawyer, for example. Unless you can come up with a completely unique, powerful solution, you will just be redundant and hurtful in your obvious responses.

The other thing I have noticed, is the need to blame the victim. Blaming someone for their circumstances is not helpful. They are there. That’s the reality. Now support them as they work their way out of it.

Almost every day, my clients tell me they have no one to talk to. Many people feel extremely alone and isolated these days. I get many calls from people who have ended friendships, or had a good friend stop calling them lately. A lot of this can be prevented if people could just support each other more.

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom ~ Marcel Proust

Many of my clients endure so much hurt from feeling like they have no one to talk to and no support. It doesn’t need to be this way. Somehow, we have stopped being good listeners, and stopped knowing how to be good friends.

Try to place yourself in the other person’ shoes. We are more similar, than dissimilar. What you want as a reaction to your pain is probably what your friends need too. Start from empathy and you will help your friends to heal and process, rather than push you away.