Authentic Feelings Are Not Always ‘Sunshine And Rainbows’

What a comfortable, easy life this would be if everyone could just feel like ‘sunshine and rainbows’ all the time. The truth is that the many of the most worthwhile things in life do not come from ‘easy’ and ‘comfortable.’ And when we suppress our true feelings, it is ultimately detrimental to our health body, mind, and spirit.

Revealing our true feelings does not come easily for many of us. I am not trying to make up an excuse, but I just was not brought up that way. My parents’ generation were masters of the art of concealing their true feelings, good or bad. When I am doing a mediumship reading, and a departed parent or grandparent shows up, they often say things like, “I wish I told you more often how much I love you.”

I could count on one hand the moments in my childhood that I can remember my parents showing affection for each other in front of us children. Those of us who had been brought up in such a stoic family environment, tend to struggle when are encouraged to express our deepest emotions. As an adult, I do however see the bigger picture today. And I do feel it is necessary to express one’s feelings in a considerate and healthy way.

In my family my parents also never argued in front of us kids. My dad just gave my mom the silent treatment. We grew up thinking he was just be the ‘strong silent type.’ Consequently, I felt that this was what communication in a marriage should be like.

Of course, reality hit me badly with my first marriage, when my ex-husband and I had our first serious argument! I thought it meant the marriage was now over, because I had no coping skills or frame of reference for this kind of authentic self-expression in a relationship. I also had no clue how to have a good, healthy argument.

Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored — but rarely, if ever, are they honored ~ Karla McLaren

In hindsight, not being able to express my feelings or communicate in a healthy manner, contributed to our ultimate divorce. The big old lie that many people tend to tell themselves is, if we just don’t think or talk about the ‘elephant in the room,’ then things will be okay, or it will eventually just go away. After all, if we love hard enough, and if we keep quiet long enough, then love will conquer all. If we just keep a positive state of mind, and pretend everything is ‘sunshine and rainbows,’ all will be well in our world.

Putting on a happy face, when inside you are falling apart, is the one of biggest lies we can tell ourselves. It is one of the most typical self-delusions we tend to engage in. Everyone and everything has its ebbs and flows in life. When the party is over, it’s time to take down the decorations, deflate the balloons, and clean up.

How does one clean up emotionally? Well, like deflating a party balloon, it is sometimes necessary to deflate our frustration and anger. It is okay to be angry, as long as we let it out in a non-violent, healthy way.

When you drop a rock on your toe, the first reaction is usually to scream, swear, or cry. Somehow this makes the injury less painful. It does not instantly make the bruise better, but it does put your mind in a different state, and it becomes easier to handle the pain you are feeling.

When we bottle up our feelings, or feel that other people don’t acknowledge our feelings, we don’t feel seen or heard. We feel our emotions are irrelevant. All of us want to feel that we matter.

We destroy ourselves when we stop feeling. If you bury your feelings within you, you become a graveyard ~ Bernie S. Siegel

Now, I am not saying it is bad to sometimes also look at the bright side of things. Yes, the opposite can also be true: some people are way too negative and melodramatic on a daily basis, and some simply wear their hearts on their sleeves much to often. But in some situations, it’s just not possible, or healthy, to look at life through a rose-colored lens.

A close friend of mine told me her mother used to say that people “sweep things under the carpet.” They actively avoid those things they do not want to deal with. Her mother then added, “And you are always the one that goes and lifts that carpet up… to expose the dirt! My friend’s simply replied, “Well, someone has to do it.”

Indeed, when you lift the carpet and expose the dirt, it does not make you the most popular person in the room. But when you can acknowledge truth, it is much easier to live with yourself. It is important to acknowledge all facets of yourself. The sad, glad, mad, lonely, fearful and extremely happy parts of you. All of you.

When we deny that others have indeed hurt us, it is an offense to the soul. Almost all of us have said to ourselves, “Just get over it,” or “suck it up buttercup!” Don’t rock the boat, don’t make waves. God forbid the truth come to the surface.

Yes, it is hard to be the only ‘thorn in the rose patch.’ Most people hide their true feelings for fear of not being accepted by others. “If they really see the real me, I may discover that I am not worthy of their friendship or love.”

Be who you are and say what you feel, because who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind ~ Dr. Seuss

Pretending that everything is always sunshine, rainbows, sparkles and unicorns, does not validate our true feelings and authentic self. We were created with a full range of emotions for a reason. Sometimes you need to acknowledge your raw emotions, to come out on the other side in a healthy way.

It really makes me angry when I’m down or mad, and people say just ‘come out and play,’ you will feel better soon. No, I want to feel my feelings, not push them down, only for them to resurface on a different day, in a different way. If you don’t like me when I’m sad, or having a bad day, then we are just not the friends I thought we were. Spend the precious time of your life with people that love and accept you the way you are today.

In the end, the best friend you ever will have is yourself. When you become your own best friend, you won’t lie to yourself. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Learn to accept and love all parts of yourself. When you like all parts of yourself, you will never again feel alone or unlovable. Know that when you have truly done your best, your best is good enough. And you have every right to express you true feelings whenever you consider it necessary.