Dealing With A Narcissistic Partner

We all know at least one narcissist. It’s that toxic person in your life who seems charming and likable at first, but is actually extremely self-centered, has an inflated ego, shows no empathy or remorse, and can even become abusive. But what if that person is your partner, or someone you love?

Narcissists want to control. They want others to see them as important, superior and in charge. To a narcissist, someone who suffers from compromised self-esteem, is easy prey, which is why many people who have a narcissistic partner find it difficult to break it off.

Abuse is not always physical. It also takes the form of verbal insults, emotional manipulation or gaslighting, withholding affection, and unequal sharing of duties. All of these forms of abuse feed into a narcissist’s egotism. Narcissists typically try to rope their partners into joining into these negative, harmful relationship patterns.

So, what do you do when you find yourself attached to an abusive narcissist? At first, it’s easy to try and explain away their abusive behavior by citing times when they shows affection, brought gifts, or offered kindness and emotional support. They are good at pretending, but don’t be fooled.

Setting up healthy and definitive boundaries is the first and best defense. Know that you have the right to say no at any time! Falling for gaslighting, emotional manipulation and blackmail is an easy trap, and most narcissists are masters at these psychological games. If you’re unsure of yourself, role-play with a trusted friend or counselor, or read up on the subject. Like most difficult things in life, it takes practice.

When we meet and fall into the gravitational pull of a narcissist, we are entering a significant life lesson that involves learning how to create boundaries, self-respect, and resilience ~ Mateo Sol

A narcissist will try to make you feel ashamed or guilty for saying no, but they have no right to do this. Learning healthy boundaries, especially for anyone raised with trauma (or with a narcissist parent or caregiver) is very challenging. It’s also difficult not to fall into the abusive and manipulative patterns they use, such as sarcasm, defensiveness, or not taking responsibility.

The saying “fight fire with fire” may come to your mind as you take on this struggle, but it’s not the answer. Taking a stand by being a better, more empathetic person is the only way. But remember that self-compassion must always come first. If you have to end a toxic relationship to preserve your own health and sanity, it’s better to move on, rather than staying with a narcissist.

If narcissists are so bad for our emotional and mental health, why do we fall for them in the first place? Well, they can be undeniably attractive and ‘caring.’ At first, they say and do all the right things. They make us feel special. They make us feel appreciated, understood and supported. They find our weaknesses and deepest longings, and then use it to manipulate us. They can be like drug dealers trying to get new customers hooked. And they get their victims hooked and reel them in before they realize they have developed an addiction – at which point, it’s usually too late!

Realize that narcissists have an addiction disorder. They are strongly addicted to feeling significant. Like any addict they will do whatever it takes to get this feeling often. That is why they are manipulative and future fakers ~ Shannon L. Alder

Learning to recognize the signs of narcissism, such as an inflated sense of self, lack of empathy, mood swings and manipulative behavior, will help you avoid these personality types, not just in your relationship life, but also other social settings, such as work, school and church.

If you suspect that your partner may be a narcissist, know that it doesn’t mean they are beyond help, or that you have to cut them off immediately. Knowing your individual limits and boundaries will go a long way into building a partnership which is mutually beneficial to both of you, and might even teach your narcissist how to be a better, healthier person. But in some severe cases the only way to save yourself is to get as far away from them as possible. It is also advisable to contact a local support group, or consult with a reputable therapist or counselor if you suspect your partner is a narcissist.