Why Some Of Us Must Walk Alone To Find Our Tribe

The topic of belonging comes up a lot lately in conversations with close friends, and it is often a concern for my clients when I do readings. A rise in loneliness appears to be a worldwide issue.

A conversation I had with a Spanish family recently was truly food for thought for me. We spoke about the disconnect with people in general, but the family in question strives to maintain family meetings and chats over meals, even though the younger ones spend more and more time on their phones.

One of the younger family members, told me that having a sense of community is part of his family’s religious practice. He makes a conscious effort to be disciplined about phone use when the family comes together. Hopefully, he will educate more of his peers about the importance of being present for in-person connection.

Personally, I have always tended to shy away from group gatherings, but I must say that I have been impressed by the warmth of the locals here in Spain, and their desire to include me in their community.

A few years ago, when my husband died just before Christmas, my Spanish friends in the farming community where I lived at the time told me, in no uncertain terms, that I would be joining them for Christmas and New Year’s family gatherings. I told them I’d prefer to stay home, especially considering the snow the previous Christmas that had confined us to our property for a few days.

“Oh no,” said the dad. “That excuse will not be accepted. You forget that I have a tractor, and I will come and get you!” There was no way to get out of that invitation!

Your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I recently experienced a profound sense of community with a small group of friends, which had a profound effect on me. I live on a large piece of land, and usually, others pick the olives from my trees. They take them to the olive press co-operative, where they enjoy the fruits of their labor in the form of olive oil.

However, this winter, I was persuaded to pick the olives with a group of friends. It was fun, too, under the sunny November sky. I realized just what the buzz is all about and the sense of community that the locals enjoy when they chat amongst themselves during harvest time.

Five of us spent a few great hours together, enjoying banter and a sense of community, which made the task fun. We then went to theco-operative, where our pickings yielded 53 kilograms of the finest olive oil. Even after the co-op takes its cut, our little group of enthusiastic olive pickers will be enjoying delicious olive oil in the coming months.

The “longing to belong” seems to have intensified over this past year. I hear more frequently from customers that they feel disconnected from loved ones, relatives and long-term friends. They often feel they are holding back in conversation for fear of saying the wrong thing and offending someone. Many seem to feel that their connections with others are becoming fragmented.

For reasons of spiritual awakening and personal growth, I have found over the years that many of my clients feel as if they don’t belong anywhere, only finding what is often referred to as “their tribe” later in life. I feel this is simply part of our soul’s journey, finding our authentic soul self by spending some time alone or in isolation, and then finding our vibrational match with special friends or even life partners later in life.

This initial period of profound sense of “otherness” followed by a late-stage discovery of one’s soul tribe is a cornerstone of several esoteric and spiritual traditions. These teachings view social isolation not as a defect, but as a deliberate evolutionary phase for the soul.

In shamanic traditions, a period of isolation is typically seen as a sacred call to silence. Awakening shamans or wounded healers start feeling disconnected from their community. This feeling is usually caused by a ‘shamanic illness‘ or a crisis of the soul that forces them into the “wilderness.”

Soul attracts soul. You don’t need to shout to find your tribe; you only need to be your own light, and they will find you ~ Vironika Tugaleva

This isolation is seen as a necessary separation from the rest of the world. Only when the awakening shaman or healer is alone can they learn to hear the quiet voice of spirit amidst all the noise of the world.  By standing entirely alone at the edge of existence, the awakening shaman sheds their socially-constructed ego and undergoes a spiritual death and rebirth. When they return to their community, they do not seek approval. They are a person of power who finally recognizes their true place in the tribe.

Gnostic teachings often discuss the idea of the “Divine Spark” trapped in a material world. Gnostics traditionally believe that awakened souls naturally feel a sense of “homesickness” for a place they can’t quite remember. The process of gnosis or “inner knowledge” involves stripping away false identities. Only after this “unlearning” can one recognize the “sparks” in others who share the same spiritual lineage. This process often requires a period of self-reflection in solitude.

The Kybalion and Hermetic philosophy emphasize that “like attracts like.” If a person is undergoing rapid spiritual growth, their “vibration” is changing. From this perspective, the reason we find our tribe later in life is that it took years of solo work to stabilize our high vibration. We cannot find our tribe earlier because we aren’t yet a vibrational match for the people we are destined to meet.

In the Major Arcana of the Tarot, The Hermit card represents a isolation as a necessary stage of the soul’s journey. To find the Inner Light, one must step away from the noise of the collective. It suggests that we cannot find our vibrational match until we have first identified our own resonance. If you join a group too early, you may just be conforming. By spending time alone, you ensure that when you finally find your tribe, it is a match for your authentic self, not your social self!

While originally described by St. John of the Cross, the concept of the Dark Night of the Soul in Christian Mysticism has been adopted broadly. It is described as a period of spiritual purification where a person feels abandoned by God and society. This isolation is designed to break the soul’s dependence on external validation. Once the soul is reanchored within itself, it is finally ready for Sacred Union or deep communal connection with others who have survived similar trials.

The soul that is attached to anything however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union. For whether it be a strong wire rope or a slender and delicate thread that holds the bird, it matters not, if it really holds it fast; for, until the bird breaks it, it cannot fly ~ St. John of the Cross

In the Christian tradition, Jesus’ time in the Judean desert, known as The Temptation of Christ in the wilderness, is the quintessential example of spiritual isolation. Before he began his public ministry and healing work, Jesus was driven by Holy Spirit into the desert for a period of extreme physical and spiritual refinement. By removing himself from society, he was forced to face his internal demons without any support.

The desert was the place where he identified his authentic soul self. Only after he was “unshakeable” in his own identity could he lead others. When he finally emerged, he didn’t return to his old life as a carpenter. Instead, he emerged in the power of the Holy Spirit and immediately began gathering his “tribe” of apostles.

The journey of The Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, is perhaps the most famous quest for finding one’s “tribe” in spiritual history. As a privileged prince, Siddhartha felt he didn’t belong in the palace. He left everything behind to live as a wandering ascetic. For six years, he lived in extreme isolation or with small groups of ascetics that ultimately weren’t his “tribe.”

He eventually left all those teachers and sat alone under the Bodhi Tree. It was in that total isolation that he reached Enlightenment. Once he found his inner Light, he didn’t stay alone. He went to find five former companions who had previously rejected him. Because his vibrational frequency had changed, they now recognized him as a Master. They then formed the Sangha – a spiritual community which became his true tribe for decades.

In modern spiritual circles, the Starseed concept is perhaps the newest version of this. It is believed that some if us originate from other star systems or cosmic dimensions. Starseeds often report a lifelong feeling of being aliens on Earth or black sheep in their families.

The initial period of isolation is seen as a way to preserve their unique vibrational frequency from being diluted by societal conditioning. Finding a tribe later in life is considered the awakening phase where these souls find others of similar origin to complete their shared mission.

What all these wisdom traditions teach us is that we cannot find our “vibrational match” partner or our soul “tribe” if we are still vibing at the frequency of our family’s expectations or society’s pressures. Solitude “burns off” those parts of us that aren’t real. Isolation also proves to the evolving soul that it is autonomous and can stand alone. This prevents the “tribe” from becoming a crutch later in life.

The feeling of “not belonging” isn’t a necessarily sign that you are lost or flawed as a spiritual person. It may be a sign that you are in their “wilderness phase” like Jesus Christ and the Buddha. Maybe you are being prepared so that when you finally meet your special friends or life partners, the connection will be based on autenticity, not who everyone is pretending to be.