Asking ‘Why’ When A Loved One Is Lost

When you lose someone you love in a sudden, unexpected way, such as suicide, a car accident, murder, or domestic violence, it always seems so unfair and tragic. It is usually so difficult to understand why this had to happen?

The truth is that we will never truly know the ‘why’ of things. The biggest regret that I hear from so many bereaved people is that they never had a chance to say goodbye.

Someone passing due to old age or illness usually affords us the time to prepare for the loss and to say our goodbyes. Typically, you will haves some time with the person, to be kinder, to be compassionate and to let them know how much they are loved. A sudden passing robs us of all of this.

I am personally very aware of the emotions, feelings and experiences that come after a loved one’s life is lost so suddenly and unexpectedly. More than a decade ago, I lost my stepson to suicide. He was only 32 years old.  Within 2 days of this tragedy, a another local young man also took his life. He was only 22.

The widespread trauma of the pandemic over this past year has brought back many of these feelings for me. Many people I know, all men, have taken their own lives because they have lost their jobs, businesses or life partners. Some of these men were successful business owners, but the lockdowns triggered something inside of them that led them to think suicide was a better way, or the only way out.

I talk to an abuse counselor at least two to three times a month and we discuss the unavailability of abused women to get help, because the shelters that are there to protect them are usually full to capacity.  I personally know two women whose lives were tragically ended by an abusive partner or ex-partner who they just could not get away from. You read about these cases almost every day. It makes zero sense if you try to find the logic in it.

And accidents happen in the blink of an eye. Yesterday, it was two locals snowmobiling in our area, who hit each other head on. One passed instantly, the other suffered only minor injuries. The week before it was a tractor trailer hitting a car that pulled out in front of it. The truck driver is fine, but the car and passenger is no longer with us.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

In many of these cases, the family questions why, but will never get an answer. It leaves them in limbo.

The biggest lesson I have learned over the past several years is to never question why when it comes to someone’s tragic passing, or it will drive you crazy with no true answer to the question.  The answers that people do receive, never seem to be enough in most instanced. There is always a sense of ‘what if’ and then a new cycle of further bitterness or unresolved grief comes.

Spirit told me long ago that each person’s life is their own journey, their own soul contract that they made for this life experience. We all have a time to arrive, and a time to depart. Spirit constantly watches over us and has the capacity to intervene if a circumstance is life threatening and not part of our life contract at that moment in time.

Spirit also impressed upon me the knowing that the moment we cross over, our angel will be there to take our hand for the journey back to our spiritual, non-physical plane.  The moment we cross over, a sense of peace overtakes us and any pain, sorrow, anger, anything negative at all, simply dissipates. We become pure unconditional love.

My daughter-in-law went on a vacation with our two grandsons and her parents. Her van, which never before had technical issues, just suddenly stalled and they had to pull over. JHer initial feeling was frustration, because their journey was being held up by this inexplicable technical problem.  But after about an hour of repeated attempts, the van simply started up again and they could drive on. Further down the road the discovered that a massive, fatal accident had occurred right around the same time their car had shut down!  I know that her departed husband, our son, was there in spirit that day. He had made sure they would be safe.

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp ~ Anne Lamott

Our grandsons were toddles when their father ended his life. Late at night, their mother would hear them laughing and giggling. She thought they were sneaking into each other’s bedrooms and were playing.  When she got up to check, one was sleeping in his bed, the other awake, saying “Daddy was here playing with me.”

The reasons he took his life are not important anymore.  The ‘why’ was his choice and what he felt was his only way to take care of his family. And he has. More answers to the ‘why’ will never come. It simply is what it is. Please know that people don’t commit suicide to hurt you. Instead it has to do with a hurt inside that they cannot overcome themselves.

In the end, know that their spirit will be around if you talk to them. Their protection will be around you, if you ask for it.  You are never alone once someone you love passes. Our spirit lives on indefinitely, lifetime after lifetime.

Most of all, never stop saying ‘I love you,’ to the people you care about.  Never let your loved ones think you are mad at them as you walk out the door.  Those may be the last memories you will have of them, should something tragic happen.  Never leave yourself in a state of ‘what if’ or ‘I wish’ or ‘I regret.’  Let others know that they are loved and cared for. Life is precious and sometimes very unpredictable.