Through The Looking Glass

We tend to not see ourselves accurately. We too often choose to focus on our shortcomings and weaknesses, such as we perceive them to be. And I believe we are all guilty of this. I have not in all my years met anyone who was truly satisfied with themselves – until it was sometimes too late.

I was just as guilty of this as anyone else. My childhood was one that I wouldn’t have wished on my worst enemy. I was abandoned by both parents when I was very young. I was raised by an aunt and uncle, who took pleasure in reminding me that my parents did not love me. My aunt also took every opportunity to beat the daylights out of me, while my uncle did nothing.

When I hit puberty, several older males in my ‘family’ began to stalk and harass me. I’d go into the kitchen and soon find myself backed up against a wall. Nobody believed me. Nobody did anything to stop it – not even when I was raped at 16 by a family friend’s son, who was deemed to be a “good boy” and “would never do anything like that.”

I could go on and on about all the horrible things that happened to me, but once I turned that momentous age of 16, and having had the experiences that I have had, I left my aunt and uncle’s home. I went to live with my boyfriend, his sister and their mom. When I left, my uncle dumped all my clothes on the front lawn.

I soon got my first job at a bookshop, where I worked as  a cashier for 150 dollars week. I also rented a room from the girlfriend of the bookshop owner’s son. This was a big deal and I had freedom for the first time in my life, but that is a story for another day!

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light ~ Mary Dunbar

Recently, I got together with the young lady whom I rented that room from all those years ago. At first I avoided seeing her for a period of three months, as I wasn’t ready to face that part of my past. Eventually I agreed to meet up.

When I got out of my car at the park where we decided to meet, she burst into tears. I couldn’t have been more surprised! We hugged each other tightly, and then talked and caught up with everything and everyone. Then she said something to me that changed everything for me in a single instant. “You were so strong at 16, when you lived with me and my dad,” she said.

I was shocked. I remembered myself as being a scared 16-year-old all alone in the world, never having known a stable, loving family life. What good could I possibly be to anyone? But apparently that was not how she remembered me. Not at all. Instead she remembered me as a strong and confident young girl ready to take on the world! Wow. When did I lose that, I wondered to myself.

Then she really kicked it into overdrive and told me that I was just as beautiful as ever. What? I have never, ever thought of myself as beautiful. Neither did I think of myself as strong. I didn’t have time to do that, or contemplate my own beauty, as I was always too busy surviving.

Driving home I was lost in thought. Had I really been so strong? Was I really as fearless as she said I was?  The time had come for me to finally face the demons of my youth, by taking a brave journey through the looking glass of my past. I spent that afternoon going through old yearbooks and pondering the past. By the end of the night, I took a deep breath and I actually agreed with her. I finally recognized the truth in what she said, and although she wasn’t there, I thanked her. She had given me renewed lease on life!

We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world ~ Marianne Williamson

Sometimes we need someone to hold up the mirror of our truth and self-worth. We sometimes need to be reminded of our strengths, virtues and capabilities. We need to be reminded that we are not weak, or the pushovers we sometimes think we are. We are also not stupid, or ugly, or any of the other things that people and life made us believe.

Looking back, I am proud of the girl I was at 16. I never gave up under the most trying of circumstances, while navigating life challenges no young girl should ever have to deal with. I am also proud that I was smart enough to recognize the power of education and I’m grateful, even for everything bad that happened to me. I wouldn’t be me today without it.

Looking forward I can see more clearly now, in a way that perhaps I never really have before. I am proud of the woman I have become. I’m taking more time these days to appreciate a beautiful morning for myself, instead of trying to show it to others. Looking forward, I have a clear slate in front of me, on which I can write what I want to write, and draw what I want to draw, and build what I choose to build.

Ask yourself this: are you ready to face all your demons and turn your back on them once and for all? Perhaps even reform some behavioral patterns of your own, so that you can go forward and build your dreams from the ground up? No one is here now to knock your feet from under you! You can take the journey through the looking glass for yourself and come out stronger the other side. Maybe I will see you there in Wonderland…