Embracing The Shadow

When I first began to intentionally and consciously walk a spiritual path, I remember doing so because it just felt so right. Every step I took toward ‘enlightenment’ in this lifetime seemed to bring more brightness into my life, and so many more blessings.

In those early days I was really rolling! I was expecting this to be an easy ride – all joy and light and love. It was wonderful.

What I hadn’t expected was the inevitable emergence of my shadow through as a result of all my spiritual work. And it was not something I was going to be comfortable with – admitting I had places of darkness within me, unloved aspects of myself, disowned pieces of my soul which had been abandoned and in such pain.

Through a series of, what seemed like, unfortunate events, I was given opportunities to face my shadow side. Challenges in relationships with friends and loved ones arose. I couldn’t understand it at first, and felt very alone and misunderstood. I was shifting the blame for this onto the people around me, instead of going inward.

Going inward, into the light, was totally okay, but going inward into the darkness was terrifying. My ego-self raised every defense to keep me from going there. Eventually, I could avoid it no longer.

My life at this point had endured tremendous change in the course of only a few years- so much so, that the entire landscape of my existence and the people in it were now different. While many of the changes were positive, the magnitude of the differences between my ‘old life’ and my ‘new life’ forced me into robust self-reflection.

Where did I want to go with my life? What did I want to do? And who was I going to be? I must admit, these were heavy questions, and I absolutely felt the weight of them. In addition, I was healing from a personal loss, and that was taking more time than I wanted it to.

My ‘aha moment’ came when I was lamenting one day about my relationship with my partner. I had identified that I wanted a deeper level of connection, but felt that he was unwilling to meet me there.

Exploring your shadow can lead to greater authenticity, creativity, energy, and personal awakening. This introspective process is essential for reaching mature adulthood (which is rarer than most think) ~ Scott Jeffrey

Now, I believe that other people are often mirrors for us. And once I acknowledged that mirror with him, I had to admit that I was the one with connection issues. Whether or not my partner had an issue with connection suddenly didn’t matter anymore. I had the issue, and I then recognized it playing out through all my previous relationships.

Suddenly, I also understood why the need for shadow work had been nagging at me. If I ever wanted to manifest the kind of life I was working to create, I had to go much deeper than I ever had before.

What I discovered was how many of my limiting beliefs were stemming from roots that had been planted in my youth. Roots that became so intrinsic to my being that I kind of forgot about them. Consciously, I didn’t even realize I had accepted these things as my truths. Or that I buried them as deeply as I could, so I didn’t really have to face those ugly ‘truths.’

I soon also realized I had a deep sense of unworthiness of love. That I feared receiving any kind of genuine connection, because I was afraid of losing it – or at what price it would come. In this construct, I set up my defenses so that I could be affectionate, show care and show my love, but I would only allow myself to accept love to a certain extent, and no more. I was essentially rejecting the very connection I was so desperately asking for!

With this shift in my perspective, I began to make more mindful choices in my interactions with people. Instead of always having to be ‘good’ when someone asked me how I was, I’d just be honest. Maybe I was ‘good,’ but maybe I was having a really difficult day. Either way I would be honest about it.

Instead of always having to be strong when people needed me and then shutting them out when I needed them, I just started owning my reality and speaking it. Lo and behold, I began to discover who in my life really cared about my well-being, and who could not be bothered.

Because (the shadow) is hidden, it can seep into our life, our beliefs, and everyday behavior in unexpected ways – sometimes even as protective defensive mechanisms meant to keep us from owning our full, unbridled power – hidden from the world or from potential scrutiny ~ Shahida Arabi

Allowing my Spirit to rest in a state of receptivity, instead of projection, required me to become authentically vulnerable in my relationships. Part of this process involved discovering my own insecurities, defense mechanisms, limiting beliefs, and past traumas, which had an indelible impact on my sense of self. Accepting these aspects of myself has not been not easy, and a work in progress. There is always more shadow work to be done.

What I also discovered through this first brush with shadow work is that ‘the shadow’ is present to be loved. The more of our shadow we can integrate, accept unconditionally, and love, the more of ourselves we are able to actualize and transcend. This is because we come to know ourselves more fully and deeply, and we are not hiding pieces of ourselves that we feel shame about. Instead, they are now accepted as part of ourselves. Not begrudgingly, not in spite of, but because we want them!

I would not be who I am, were it not for these ‘shadow aspects’ of myself – and I am spectacularly grateful that I get to be me. All these formerly ‘unwelcome’ aspects of me are part of my ‘I Am,’ my soul.

So, now I know, it’s vital to make a friend of our inner darkness and the pain within. Do not try to chase it away or ignore it. Doing this will only prolong the suffering it causes you. Instead, sit with it. Visit with it. Understand it – and accept it as it is.

In this process of acceptance – true and honest acceptance – you are simply allowing your feelings to be within you, without resistance or trying to change them. Putting the light of your awareness upon them with love and gentleness, you integrate your experiences. As you do this you will find that these aspects stop clamoring for your attention.

When the shadow rises up, you acknowledge the feeling, you sit with it, and you offer it love and comfort. As you do this, and integrate these parts of you, it will eventually stop coming up altogether ~ Sarah Regan

In this life, some of our greatest lessons will come from looking at the parts of ourselves we hide away. Because when we can bring our shadow to the surface, heal, and integrate those lessons into our lives, we evolve exponentially.

You may find in time that you access further awareness of other limiting beliefs you may have, and you will have the opportunity then to transmute those also. It is an ever-unfolding process of discovering the authentic self.

While doing shadow work may seem painful, and scary, when you are called to do this work for yourself, I encourage you to remember that it is actually an exciting journey you will be undertaking! The transformative power of shadow work is one that touches your life on many levels. It is the journey back to a forgotten or denied self, and it is indeed liberating.