To Fester, Or Forgive

Recently, a peer did a short talk on forgiveness, as part of a healing service. Besides her being courageous, sharing aspects of her personal challenges with parents and peers, she also offered a reminder of how instrumental forgiving ourselves is in our healing journey.

The reptilian, primitive part of the brain has a default state of always monitoring its environment. The hunter-gatherer ancestral days had us on constant alert. Anxious. Awaiting possible threat by the saber-tooth tiger. But our modern brain has evolved such, that when we are not active in a task, the brain occupies itself with dwelling on the past.

The idle brain tends to ponder past events and unpleasant thoughts, that in the default state, fill us with anxiety. Pain. Guilt. Self-blame. Shame. Anger. Disappointment.

The typical memories and thoughts, that can consume us in this default state, vary. Some are large and life-changing, such as the loss of a loved one or favorite pet, financial loss, divorce, adultery, retrenchment, and physical or emotional abuse. Others are more behavioral or emotional, but can be just as debilitating.

When our life is ‘heading south’ and we cannot seem to turn things around, we tend to replay the situation. This can lead to becoming more depressed, and having more reason to doubt ourselves. A vicious cycle can result. We spin and spin…like laundry in the dryer, being tumbled. If we remain in that dryer, resentment sets in.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future ~ Lewis B. Smedes

From resentment, we then fester into the energy vibration of, “I’m not good enough,” or “Why don’t I leave him,” or “I should have known better,” and so on. We become stuck, or at least stagnant, and incapable of moving forward.

Forgiveness is the answer. When we recognize we have done something of harm to another, we usually apologize and ask for forgiveness. But we seldom forgive ourselves, especially if we perceive we did nothing wrong. Well, that’s the beauty of self-forgiveness, once you change this paradigm. Forgiveness is not passing over errors or ignoring bad behavior. It is about the mechanism for changing the flow of energy that keeps us stuck because of attachment to the past.

Attachment to the past keeps us from moving forward to build a fuller life. It is not an easy task. We all desire more. More joy, more success, more fulfillment. We want the ‘dream relationship’ or the ‘dream job.’ And it is attainable, with focus and introspection.

As it is engraved in the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, Greece, “Know Thyself”. Understand your life experiences from the perspective of releasing injustice. The injustice that was done to you, the injustice done by you. Focus instead on what is yet to come, let go of self-deprecating behavior that undermines you.

My father once said, “Your sister is the smart one, we are giving her private education. You are on your own.” Those words became a mantra for me. To prove him wrong. It was a motivating, but not a positive environment. The emotions and pain festered in my DNA, in my gut, in my mind and in my heart, for over a decade.

Although you should not erase your responsibility for the past, when you make the past your jailer, you destroy your future. It is such a great moment of liberation when you learn to forgive yourself, let the burden go, and walk out into a new path of promise and possibility ~ John O’Donohue

When my sister, on a whim, announced her plans to not accept her place at university, and instead leave England to move to the USA to marry an American serviceman, who she knew only a couple of months, it set in motion further decades of festering emotions intertwined between family members. Meanwhile, I forgave my father (or so I thought) and I ended up with a master’s degree in electronics, to prove him wrong. Yet, there was still something unresolved – until I also forgave myself for my own contribution to the situation.

My sister, for more than 40 years, believed I had gone to university to “rub her face” in the family letdown. Sharing last year the circumstances of how and why I chose to attend university, I realized that my sister had also festered in this belief and had carried it for decades. The key part was the university I ended up at was the same institution she had rejected. I never knew this. It took four decades for her to have the courage to ask that question. Tears flowed.

Forgiveness moves you forward. Releasing the attachments to the past are the springboard for a more fuller life. Go and claim the life you deserve, and have earned.