Empowering Life Lessons From My Abusive Father

My father Jim had to grow up quickly in the tough pre-war years. He was the eldest of six children and he did not have an easy childhood, nor tolerant parents.

But life became even more challenging for Jim as he reached adulthood. My parents were married at the age of 21 and had three kids by 23, and another baby at 34.

Jim faced many challenges. As a result, to vent his frustration and process all the stress, he often took it out on those closest to him, namely his wife and children.

Let’s just say my father was not always the ideal husband and parent. It became so bad by the time I was an adult that he would do whatever he could to disrupt my life and my family in any way that you might imagine. The sad part was that he actually wanted to hurt us, as doing so gave him a bizarre sense of satisfaction and control over those closest to him.

I first became fully aware of my father’s desire to disempower his kids when I was about 22 years old. The year was 1982, and jobs were very hard to come by in the United Kingdom in those days. I had an office job but wanted something better. So, I decided to attend school for a year to learn shorthand and typing at the local technical college.

One day, I asked my dad if I could get a ride with him to college, because I had to sit an important exam at 2pm that day. He said I need not worry, as he would drop me off in plenty of time. But then he proceeded to make every excuse not to leave the house!

By quarter to two, I started to panic, as I could not possibly walk or catch a bus from my house to the college with so little time. At ten minutes to two, he finally agreed to take me to sit the exam, but then when we got in the car, he said he needed to go to the garage for gas. I looked at the fuel gauge and saw the car’s tank was full.

I suddenly realized he did not want me to sit the exam, as he did not want me to pass it and better myself and become more independent. Thankfully, his sabotage attempt failed, as I did pass the exam and went on to get a higher paying job.

The toxic parent sees the child as a threat to their own ego and having the child overshadow the parent is not an option in their mind ~ Shannon Thomas

Two years later, I got a job at the local council and began earning a substantial salary unlike anything I had known before. However, rather than be proud of my achievements, my father became so envious that he watched my every move and intimated I could not do the job.

He was also rude and ignorant to the man I was going out with and made my life a sheer misery most of the time I was dating. In time his constant onslaught eroded my sense of self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. Eventually, I lost the relationship, lost the job, lost the pension, and lost the potential for professional growth the job had to offer.

For almost a year, I battled unemployment and all the lack that came with it. However, just before my 25th birthday, in April 1985, I landed an excellent contract with the local electricity board. Working there helped put me back on my feet, but the contract was only temporary, and after less than a year, I found myself out of work again.

As I had debts to pay (losing my first job put me in serious debt), I was determined to never be out of work again, so I started temping for a local secretarial agency. The pay was not all that good, but at least it helped keep me in a secure place financially to not struggle so much.

Witnessing my resolve, my dad, sadly, decided that he would not let me take any food to work. The temporary places of employment were not near my home, and there were no cafes or shops available to buy anything to eat at the time. He knew this and figured that if I were hungry enough, I would stay at home, not have a job again, become disempowered, and have me exactly where he wanted me – under his control. Sad, I know, but true.

You are an adult and can withstand your discomfort for the purpose of becoming your own person ~ Dr. Susan Forward

In these darkest hours of my life, I eventually turned to Spirit, and it transformed my life. I am not suggesting we must suffer to receive spiritual support – far from it. Only, in my case, I did.

Soon, my fears turned into courage; my hunger turned into self-sufficiency; my lack of confidence and self-esteem gave way to personal empowerment and faith in my own abilities. The early failures in my work life led to professional and business success. I know without a doubt that none of the above would ever have happened if Spirit had not supported and guided me.

People used to ask me, at the time, as to how I had managed, and I jokingly said that a Higher Power was holding me up.

In retrospect, the most important thing I ever learned from my father was the grace of forgiveness. It was not easy, but I had to learn to forgive him for my own highest good. It was the only way to finally let go of the awful memories and heal the trauma he caused me.

While it is true the life lessons I learned from my father were not traditional, and may not seem ideal, I still thank him all the same. For in the end it empowered me to prosper and thrive.