When A Relationship Ends

When a relationship ends, no matter which partner ended it, a certain amount of healing and forgiveness is always needed. But people deal with break-ups differently and everyone handles it in their own, unique way. There is no right or wrong way. Some people seem to move on more quickly, while for others it can take months, or even years.

In truth, when a relationship ends it has usually been over for some time already. Some people take years to end a relationship, and often they have already grieved the relationship for quite some time.

It is all too easy to sit in judgment of your former partner, or place the blame solely on the other person. You may have been a really good partner in your own eyes, but what was your part in the puzzle of the relationship? One must look at all sides of the story to truly understand why the relationship did not work.

So, although a break-up is uncomfortable and painful, usually accompanied by lots of tears due to self-examination, your own part in any relationship failure must be examined for your own personal growth.

It’s hard to take a look at yourself and be brutally honest on all levels. For example, you may feel that your gave the relationship 110% percent. Well, truth be told, if you really were the only one giving your all to keep the relationship going, then you most likely also became resentful without even realizing it. Your own needs were probably not being met in the relationship. You started to lose yourself and became only the mirror of the other person.

Blaming is a dead-end street that doesn’t help anyone. But until we risk telling the truth to ourselves about how we really feel, nothing in our lives can change or improve ~ Christiane Northrup

People may think the perfect partner would be one that agreed with the other all the time. Never an argument. No disagreements. Perfect all the time… like those family television shows from the 1950s. But that kind of relationship never works in the long run. Nobody wants to be a doormat all the time, and likewise no one really wants a doormat for a partner!

At my age, I hear this all the time. One partner ask the other where they would like to go for dinner. The other partner responds with something like, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” How boring is that. And then they end up in some restaurant staring into space, bored, disinterested, hardly speaking to each other.

In a healthy relationship each partner has an opinion and has no fear to voice it. And when one or both partners say they no longer care, it may be time to pay attention to your disintegrating relationship. If you are always the one to say that you “don’t care,” it may be time to examine how you really feel, and why your own feelings and thoughts don’t matter to you anymore. It is said we teach others how to treat us.

Another statement often heard in failing relationships is when one partner says, “Just tell me what to do?” Only to then say, in the next breath, “Stop telling me what to do all the time!” Ever heard of the term passive-aggressive? Well, that is a classic example of such behavior. It is a habit that a person gets into just because it is easier. But it gets old for one person to have to always make all of the decisions.

Blaming is pointing out there, rather than in here, into your own mind, when you find yourself in a painful or uncomfortable experience. Blame means shifting the responsibility for where you are onto someone or something else, rather than accepting responsibility for your role in the experience ~ Iyanla Vanzant

People cannot use you unless you allow it. Being in the role of a martyr never brings much love or happiness in any relationship. All relationships that matter take work to maintain. It is my opinion that no relationship is ever 50-50. One partner usually cares just a little bit more than the other. In a good relationship the difference is minimal. Ideally, some days one partner is carrying the ball and other times it’s the other partner.

One of the hardest things to cope with is a broken promise. If that keeps being a repeat performance, you must ask yourself why you continue to allow this? A situation cannot go on if you refuse to let it continue. Hence that would be one person’s part in a break-up.

If you are not with the person you thought you would wind up with, then chances are you’re just not supposed to be together. Relationships can only be improved or repaired if both people are willing to work equally hard at for it. But not out of guilt. There has to be true forgiveness of self and the other person. Without the relationship work, compassion and forgiveness, history will repeat itself!