Conscious Conflict Resolution

Dealing with tension and conflict is one of the most challenging dynamics in friendships and relationships. We have all found ourselves in a shouting match with someone we love, or concluding an argument feeling awful and unresolved.

Getting to the root of an issue without all the drama sometimes feels impossible. But conflict resolution is a skill, and one that can be honed with practice and patience.

The following strategies are helpful in shifting from overreaction to consciously seeking resolution when faced with difficult conversations or conflict scenarios.

Pause For Self-Awareness

Pause and identify what you are feeling. Step back from the feeling and merely observe it, as well as any thoughts that come along with the feeling.

Recognize that ‘you’ are not the feeling; it is a simply a sensation you are experiencing. Often people will say they are ‘angry,’ but words are powerful and this indicates that you have identified with the anger. You are actually saying: ‘I am anger.’

Do not choose to ‘be anger.’ You are merely experiencing anger. Shifting this mindset can help to separate your rational mind, from the emotional sensation of anger (or hurt, or whatever feeling you may be experiencing).

Once you are able to observe your emotions and thoughts in this way, it becomes much easier to avoid reacting from them. By not reacting, you give yourself the opportunity to think about your response first, and consciously choose your course of action.

Conflict forces us to be fully present because it shatters our ego—stripping away all hope of escape or sugar coating. It removes everything that is nonessential to our authentic being. And if we lean into it, conflict can be the catalyst to our enlightenment ~ Alison Hutchinson

Don’t Take It Personally

Focus on your own emotions and behavior, not the other person’s. You can only control your own words and actions.

Many of us have a knee-jerk reaction to lash out when we are hurt. This manifests in all sorts of negative ways, but the purpose is the same – make the other person feel as hurt as we feel in that moment. Words and actions coming from this space are designed to get a reaction out of the other person.

Ironically, most often we get the opposite reaction we were actually looking for. For example, in threatening to break up with someone you don’t wish to separate from, you may be hoping they will suddenly change their position in order to ensure they don’t lose you. Instead, being backed into a corner, your partner is likely to push back.

When someone tries to get a rise out of you during a tense exchange or argument, gently bring the focus to the actual issue that needs to be discussed. Identify the feelings this brings up in you and acknowledge them, but don’t allow the other person to provoke you into reacting from a place of uncontrolled, raw emotion. Understand that they may not have identified this behavior in themselves, so have compassion for this.

Be An Active Listener

This is probably the most important and challenging of all in any conflict situation. Listening means actually hearing what the other person is saying, and processing it. It is not the same as listening to what they are saying merely to formulate a clever response of defensive argument against it.

If someone is expressing their experience, it is their authentic experience. Period. Arguing against their experience invalidates their feelings and perception of the matter. You cannot control another person’s feelings or outlook.

Others may have ideas or thoughts that you find very hurtful or ignorant, but it is important to honor their truth, just as you would want someone to honor your truth. Try to truly listen to the other person’s experience, then paraphrase it back to them to ensure that you fully and accurately understood. Ask questions to clarify if you’re not sure about something they said.

Do not judge or scold when you respond. The important thing to understand is that they need to have their position heard before they will be able to hear your position. Offering sincere acknowledgement in this way can truly work magic in de-escalating any argument.

“Conflicts may be the sources of defeat, lost life and a limitation of our potentiality but they may also lead to a greater depth of living and the birth of more far-reaching unities, which flourish in the tensions that engender them ~ Karl Jaspers

Share Your Perspective With Compassion

Once you have acknowledged the other person and their experience, ask to share your own experience. This is where it’s important to focus on your own feelings and perspective, without blaming or faulting others. It’s not about asking the other person to change, but rather, letting them know how certain behaviors make you feel.

If someone is aware that a behavior is hurtful to you, and continues to act that way, then it becomes your responsibility to set boundaries and enforce it. If those boundaries are routinely violated and your experience is being constantly invalidated, then you will have to re-evaluate if the friendship or relationship is adding value to your life, or not.

Focus On Solutions

Remind yourself that the purpose of any conflict resolution exchange is to find a solution. Stay focused on the purpose of the conversation and consciously stay on topic.

This can be surprisingly difficult, especially when emotions are running high. Do not engage in any comments which are not constructive to the conversation, and be concise in whatever you choose to say. Basically, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Integrity is key here.

Conflict resolution is not easy and it takes practice and focused effort, but it can have an incredible impact on the intimacy and communication in your relationships.

Remember that everyone is coming from their own level of consciousness, perception, and understanding. This means that you will not always be on the same page as others in your life, but learning to communicate through the challenges can help us find common ground, even when our differences are profound.

Most of all, be kind, and forgive easily.