A Spiritual Approach To Chronic Complainers

Don’t complain, don’t ever complain. These are words I read in a book long ago, and they have stuck in my mind ever since. However, I certainly seem to have attracted a lot of complainers into my life – moaners and critics who have taken the very process to an art form! Amongst these individuals are family, friends and love relationships, and they are all challenging in their own way.

I have come to the conclusion that the lesson those souls have given me, is to rise above the irritation, and perhaps to try and see their predicament and unhappiness from a place of compassion. I have since managed to become less affected by other people’s groaning, because I stopped thinking that their displeasure might be my fault, or that I could ‘fix’ them and turn them from a ‘cup-half-empty’ type of person to a ‘cup-half full.’

The constant moaning of those in question isn’t really something one ever really gets used to, but there are tools we can use in order to avoid being profoundly affected by such negativity. That is, of course, after attempting to point out to them the woe of their ways… and failing. Many negative people choose to remain in the ‘yes but’ zone. This suggests that they are choosing to stay stuck, and thus, to remain a victim of their circumstances. That too is their choice. Should this be the case, all we can do at the receiving end of such negativity is to find ways to stop filtering it into our own energy field.

I once shared my experience about complainers with a psychologist friend. He felt that complaining is a person’s way of stating that they are unhappy with the way things are in their own life at a particular time. He said that, even though it appeared as if their complaining and criticism can appear totally negative, they can actually be in the process of tearing down what, for them, is an unwanted thought structure to make room for a new one. This all made sense to me at the time, as I had never viewed it from this perspective before.

We can choose to complain about the world or not. When we go to the quiet place in our hearts where our Spirit lives and we train ourselves to listen to that Voice, our mistakes and disgruntles become less and less ~ Jeanne Aisthorpe-Smith

He did add though, that to fulfill the process of building something new, a creative idea had to have been formulated already. In other words, when the culprit was ready to tear down a negative thought structure, this would leave a void, and something would need to take its place. For example, an exciting new creative thought process. Basically we are replacing fear with love. This is the very basic principle of replacing fear thoughts with positive loving, creative ones. Unless the complaining critic intends to replace the negative with something new and positive, they can become a destructive force towards themselves, not to mention exhausting those they love.

My friend also said that complainers are often seeking validation of their situation, or even sympathy. I have learned to validate the complainer’s feelings from a standpoint of empathy. I have found that whenever I have disagreed and stressed that their circumstances are not as bad as the moaner claims, I am often told that I have my head in the sand, or that I am ‘living on another planet.’

Metaphorically speaking, by throwing stones at other people, we are really taking the attention away from ourselves. Granted, some individuals choose to never change, but we can change ourselves in the way we see them and deal with them. We can achieve this to the point of feeling compassionate towards them, knowing that they must be feeling ill at ease within.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear ~ Ephesians 4:29

I also learned a lot from a girlfriend of my late father. She adored my dad, while he used to complain relentlessly and criticize her, despite her love and devotion to him. It did wear her down, and I would frequently stick up for her, but she once said to me, “You know, I have actually come to the point that I feel sorry for your father.” Although that was sad, she was the perfect example of refusing to be irritated by a complainer. Instead, she chose to be in a state of compassion, spiritually known as a state grace.

A complainer has to develop greater compassion generally in order to realize how they are affecting loved ones around them. However, this is a process and during that process, in order to remain in any relationship, we must insist that we are respected and valued.

We can begin by taking responsibility for ourselves and the choices we have made for our soul contract this lifetime, as well as for the choices we have made within the framework of that contract. There are always choices along the way. Simply put – we can choose love over fear.