The Smart Woman’s Heart

Women by nature tend to be very giving. We love to love, and give, and nurture. We simply don’t know when to stop sometimes, and too often end up on an emotional limb by ourselves, wondering what happened. How did I get here?

The ‘smart woman’s heart’ is a concept I’ve been working on to try and ensure women stay on the right path when it comes to giving their precious heart away. It is my way to ease the pain that some of my clients go through when ending a relationship, or when they are unsure about where they stand in the relationship.

The goal of the smart woman’s heart is for her not to go so far out on that emotional limb. For her not to have to wonder where she stands. For her heart not to be broken, but to be free to love fully.

Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you ~ Greg Behrendt

I’ve written many a blog about not going back to the ex; loving oneself enough to be alone; how to balance chakras; and so much more. I’ve cried along with clients and shared every pain they have gone through. I’ve literally begged clients to not get involved with certain people, and then had to go through weeks, months and even years watching these women tear themselves apart inside and out, and change everything about who they were only to be abandoned anyway.

There is really no fun in saying, “I told you so.”

So, I thought how can I get this message across? I mean, I’m not the first to share this message. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray was a very popular book. So were Smart Women, Foolish Choices by Connell Cowan, and He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. And think Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Seventeen magazine!

My version of this message starts with first asking you to define what you think love is now… at this very moment in time. Take a few minutes. Done? Great. Now, date it and frame it, or tear it up or burn it, because you are now going to redefine what love is, or what love feels like, before anything else can even be attempted.

Love is not sitting by the phone or the computer waiting for a call, a text, or an instant message. The exquisite agony of “Oh, but I really love him,” need not apply here. I had one client tell me it was “her calling” to wait around for him. For what? To be a doormat?

Love is not someone calling you late at night wanting to come over. Love is someone being kind to you, letting you know where they stand and how they feel about you. Love is letting you know how they feel, period.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone ~ John Gray

So many times I hear, “What is he thinking? Has he thought about me? What does he want from this relationship?” It breaks my heart each time. This comes from giving too much of your heart too soon. It produces the exact opposite affect that you want it to have.

Men are hunters by deep primordial nature and you cannot take that away from them. Stop auditioning for the part of girlfriend. Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t need to prove how great a cook you are, or that you keep a sparkling house. The smart woman knows none of this makes a difference to making a man want you any more, or any less.

If a man is thinking about you, he will let you know. If he wants to be psychically in tune with you enough to the point when you know he is thinking about you, he will open his psyche up to yours. Yes, that can happen. If he wants to let you know where the relationship stands, or where you stand, he will let you know that too.

Stop giving away 100 percent of your heart to anyone at random. The smart woman knows she must always keep back more of her heart space, until someone has earned it. When you go on a date, it’s just that – a date! It doesn’t mean he will call you later, or marry you, or that he’s ‘the one.’ The truth is that women are the ones. We are the prize, the crown jewel in a man’s world. Why take that away from him with actions that take away his ability to be a man with you?

The smart woman doesn’t invite a man away for a trip. She doesn’t take him on a shopping spree or spring for couples massages a mere three-dates-in! These are things you do with your best girlfriend. Until he has shown you that, yes, he is thinking about you as much as you are him, you don’t open up and spill all your feelings and life’s stories. And you definitely don’t show him your crazy side until well after the wedding… say, ten years into the marriage. Just kidding!

I leave you with a quote from Mark Nepo that says it all: “The flower doesn’t dream of the bee, it blossoms and the bee comes.”