Keeping Score In A Relationship

I believe the habit of keeping a ‘score card’ might start in someone’s childhood. It is based on developing a certain sense of duty and responsibility early on. For example, as kids I remember my sister and I had to take turns doing the dishes. My sister would always keep tabs on that chore. She always knew whose turn it was next. My sister is four years older than me, and to this day she still keeps score on almost everything in her life.

This also set the precedent for me with friends and other family members. Others keeping score just seems natural to me, so I never feel the need to do so myself.

This did not server me well in all aspects of my young adult life. For example, in relationships it always felt like I was the one trying to make things work. It did not make any difference to me who called who last. Therefore, I ended up doing most of the calling. But does it truly matter that much?

What has the other person done for me?  After all I have done and given so much! What do I get out of this relationship? These are the questions score keepers are always asking themselves.

But in my view, a relationship is never 50/50, even if both people are truly happy and fulfilled. One will always be doing less or more. But it does not matter, as true love is supposed to be unconditional.

So, if you are keeping a score card things will never balance and the emotion that will come up is anger, rebellion, defensiveness, or a complete shut-down. That does not serve any relationship in the long run.

 The minute you start keeping score, you’re destroying the relationship ~ Tony Robbins

There also comes a time that person needs to be honest with themselves. What part did they play in giving too much? Have they been giving things or time the other person never asked for, or wanted in the first place?

A client I read for regularly had a session with me last week. The first question she asked was why did he ask me to move out? The answer spirit gave was that she gave and did too much for him financially. The guy just did not earn enough money to keep up. The gifts and attention made him feel he could not be what she really needed to be happy. Money and material things are not his love language.

“But I love him so much, why wasn’t that enough?”

Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always makes you less than you are ~ Malcolm Forbes

The answer once again was, when she kept telling him she loves him so much and he is not feeling it quite as much, it makes him feel bad. Going into any relationship expecting a person to be who you want them to be and not seeing understanding who they really are is a prescription for disaster.

My mother once told me, “I am very happy with my marriage. Your father doesn’t keep a constant score card, and neither do I.” When you simply stay true to yourself, and drop the score cards, your soul is happy, and then so will your partner be. After all, how do you put a price on the time, energy and attention another person gives you of their life?