Spiritual Growth In Being Wrongly Blamed

We all tend to be terribly upset when blamed for something we haven’t done, or said. I have also found myself in situations of being blamed unfairly. This made me wonder… if everything happens for a reason, as many spiritual teachings suggest, then what is the lesson here?

My conclusion is that, perhaps, we can help ourselves by acknowledging the lesson in the unpleasant situation, as well as forgiving those who knew no better, in order to let them off the hook. Seeing things in this perspective can shift us to a place where we feel we’ve learned from the experience, and that we don’t need to attract the same pattern again.

The best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words ~ John Milton

My own experiences of being blamed seem rather petty compared to that of some people, but nonetheless felt traumatic enough for me at the time. For example, I recall being out on a date with my very first boyfriend. I was supposed to be home by a certain time, but the scheduled bus service was cancelled and, with boyfriend in tow, I arrived back at the bus stop an hour late, only to be met by my parents hurling all sorts of accusations at both of us.

Those were the days before cell phones! The worst part was, that they refused to believe us. It was my mother who fueled the fire. I later accepted that she had come from an upbringing of criticism and verbal abuse. Yes, she did have a difficult childhood, and I hope I learned a lesson in not judging or blaming other’ from her past, as well as my own life experience.

I know being blamed for something we haven’t done can be very upsetting, especially when someone close to us is responsible. A client’s story yesterday took me back to when I was blamed for taking someone’s uniform. Fortunately, I had absolute proof that this was not the case and the blamer ended up looking foolish.

The harshest experience I recall of being wrongly blamed was when I had just begun work in a new country for their major airline. I was experienced in that particular field, and had previously worked for a company with a really supportive group of co-workers in my previous airline job. So what happened at the new airline was alien and scary to me at the time.

I was working as a cabin attendant on a long haul flight. Within minutes into the flight, the senior steward was at my jugular, ranting and raving at me for no apparent reason. After an hour another steward came to my defense, and I thanked him.

Within hours of getting back to base I was summoned to Human Resources, where I was accused of having an affair with the married steward – the steward who came to my defense. Now, I first set eyes on him when we introduced ourselves at sign in for the flight!

So many people accuse and mistreat others just because of their present state of life, as if life is just a one day journey, and they forget that the story line can change tomorrow! ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I was also reprimanded for not following the instructions of the senior steward. I was told that, as a newcomer, I was on thin ice. I was not given a chance to state my side of the incident.

Eighteen months later, that same senior steward was on a flight with me again, but he wasn’t working in my section of the aircraft. We were on a stop-over in London, and he had the cheek to knock on my hotel room door and ask if we could talk. He apologized profusely for the event of so long ago, explaining that his girlfriend, who was also a cabin attendant, had dumped him and he had a vendetta against all the female co-workers at the time!

I accepted his apology, but it turned out that he really didn’t have any remorse, because he was simply expecting to be invited into my hotel room. I took the greatest pleasure in yelling at him to get out!

It takes some painful experiences for us to come to the conclusion that an accuser actually has ‘personal issues’ that really have nothing to do with us at all. However, at the time of being blamed, even knowing this rarely helps us to feel better during a blame attack.

It can cause havoc with our sense of well-being when we are victim of a negative personality who is a blamer. Don’t become victim of such a negative personality. It can literally ruin your life, especially if you and your accuser are related, or are close friends. If you try and see that they have deep-seated issues of their own, it can help you stop the cycle of feeling you could be the one at fault, when you know you’ve done everything you can to make a situation right.

You see, a ‘blamer’ is usually irrational and it is not worth even trying to reason with them, because they will not accept that anything is their fault. If the situation is extreme, I find more and more of my clients choosing to set serious boundaries with the ‘blamer’, because a short fuse, which is often a part of a blamer’s personality, has become too toxic to deal with.

In many cases, people are finding themselves detaching from toxic family ties – it’s a brave step, especially for those whose ideal is a strong bonded family. Once we are pre-armed with information about the traits of a blamer, we can be aware of the signs when we enter into a new friendship or relationship, and not become victim to our potential abuser. It’s a very freeing place to be.

Concentrate on your strength and strongly build your strength whilst others concentrate on your weakness! When your strength is strong enough, you shall surely put them to shame with your strength, and they shall surely see their own weakness better! ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” The bottom line is that an accusation is usually a reflection of the accuser and not yourself. There is usually insecurity, low self-esteem, and often envy in their veins. They will be critical too, gaining a false sense of importance by putting others down. And do they ever feel remorse? Rarely! Do they know inner joy? Definitely not. They are generally pessimistic, and their pessimism will drain you however positive you are.

Blamers will often also become angered by your success or acquisition of something nice. It can even go as far as them finding pleasure in yours, or another’s discomfort or pain. The blamer really doesn’t ‘get it’ regarding the inappropriateness of their behavior either!

Your consolation will be in knowing you are being truthful and that your intention is sincere. Would you rather be right or be happy? My husband says he’d rather be right! He loves to say. “I told you so.”

One quote by Canon T.T. Carter in an article on humility, which I once picked up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, has often brought me comfort: “Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to wonder at nothing done to me and nothing said against me.”