Healing Through Radical Self-Forgiveness

There’s no getting around the fact that we’re our own worst critics. There has been much written on the subject of forgiving others, but what about forgiving ourselves? This is the first and most crucial step to real, lasting, healthy self-love.

The roots of the pain many of us feel are guilt and shame – the knowledge that we have wronged or hurt someone else, and the lasting fallout resulting in self-harm. Guilt is sometimes a catalyst to change behavior, but shame often comes with long-term effects, such as negative thinking patterns, self-harming behavior such as addiction, depression or anxiety, and self-sabotage.

Over long periods shame is like a poison in our bloodstream which touches every aspect of our lives. But it doesn’t have to last! There is a healthy way to overcome the legacies of shame and guilt, and it all starts with compassion.

Compassion allows us to learn to love ourselves, to overcome the legacies of shame. In many ways shame is a vicious cycle – the more of it we have, the less likely we are to begin the work of forgiveness, and the lower our self-esteem. Many of us also carry the need of perfectionism, or to ‘be good’ all the time.

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens ~ Louise L. Hay

The real secret? Until we are able to forgive ourselves, we’re unable to forgive others. In fact, unless we’ve done this important work, we’ll continue to play out self-destructive habits and behaviors. You may have heard that “hurt people hurt people?” Well, it’s true. We are likely to pass on the shame and guilt that we feel ourselves.

There are four main strategies to use when beginning the work of self-forgiveness: understanding of self; seeing a common humanity; earning forgiveness through a series of steps; and asking a higher power for forgiveness.

Understanding of self allows for insight into why we carry shame and how we perpetuate it in our lives. It is perhaps the most powerful method of all, for when we understand something, we are less likely to fear it. Common humanity is the knowledge that we have all harmed and been harmed by others, and that we can be empathetic and understanding of these mutual struggles as we heal.

The earning of forgiveness can be a difficult task, since guilt goes hand in hand with shame and we may trick ourselves into thinking we don’t ‘deserve’ it. And a higher power, no matter your spiritual tradition, can be a way of unburdening yourself of guilt and shame and metaphorically apologizing.

If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself ~ Barbara De Angelis

The work of self-forgiveness isn’t easy, and it’s not going to happen right away. In many cases people go through life shackled by the effects of guilt and shame. But once you start, you will see that they have distorted your perceptions of everything, including your self-image, and they will begin to slip away.

Once you fully engage in this work you can build a better version of yourself who is mentally healthy and happy. It’s the most important thing you can do for yourself right now, so go do it!