Release Control And Live In Joy

Last month, an old friend reconnected with me on social media. She talked quite a lot about the old days, when we lived and went to school on an island in the Canary Islands. It was fun looking back and reminiscing, as well as sharing all the things we’ve done, and the weird and wonderful places we’ve lived in and traveled to in-between.

I was quite taken back when she made a comment about how controlling my father was back then. In the past, I would have defended him, but she had a valid point. Make no mistake, I adored my father, but as years progressed the controlling behavior actually worsened.

Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t ~ Steve Maraboli

Rather than making me feel special, it became burdensome, especially when he would tell people he “lived for his daughter” and that he was just “being protective,” whenever they remarked on his behavior, or told him he really should let go. My old friend sure tweaked my memory about his controlling ways, and our chat prompted me to write this blog.

In hindsight, I tried endlessly to get my mother’s approval too. That, it seems, was never meant to be, but her control was more subtle. I would get approval from my father, when he thought I was doing what he thought I should. He never once approved of any boyfriend of mine. It dawned on me years later that he was never going to, nor friends for that matter.

When I reached my 40s and had finally decided to take my power back, I voiced my own opinions and no longer agreed with my dad simply to keep the peace. He was horrified and said, “What happened to you? We used to be so close and you were lovely and always agreed with everything I said.” Well, in truth, I was pretty horrified too… at what a doormat I had allowed myself to become, just to be respectful. What about my self-respect?

I guess the confrontation had been brewing for some time, and I was at war with myself to finally say something. The big realization came when I visited a highly respected numerologist. She was accurate on so many things. She asked, “Did you know your parents are arch-manipulators?” I was floored!

Only once we submit to who we truly are, do we find lasting inner peace. The same goes for the ‘controller.’ I realize now that my father was coming from a place of fear, and I certainly wasn’t finding peace in remaining passive, because I was beginning to get angry at myself. Each time I stood up for myself, it got easier, but emotionally it was very challenging getting there.

There are those who spend every waking moment fighting for control over their kids, or for the good opinion of others. Some even try and control their appearance, but gravity tends to win out in the end. We tend to become afraid of being out of control and either become exhausted by the struggle, or remain a passive victim. When we try to control others out of lack of acceptance or fear, it is because we haven’t accepted ourselves. The fight for control leaves casualties and cannot be sustained.

It’s not that you should never love something so much that it can control you. It’s that you need to love something that much so you can never be controlled. It’s not a weakness. It’s your best strength ~ Patrick Ness

Living in a country, as we currently do, which subscribes to the ‘it will get done tomorrow’ approach will drive you crazy if you let it. So, my husband and I have both surrendered and choose to no longer become unduly upset every time we hear mañana (tomorrow).

For many years I was obsessively neat. As a kid my mother used to bring people into my bedroom to show them how orderly everything was. I would even hang up my pajamas with military precision. In an otherwise unhappy home environment, I guess my obsession with tidiness gave me some sense of control and, of course, at times, what I thought was my mother’s approval.

In more recent years my obsessive-compulsiveness with order and cleanliness eased a lot. Our growing menagerie of cats and dogs saw to that, as there is no way you can keep that going with them ruling the roost! The joy (and sometimes heartache) they bring makes an orderly home seem somewhat less significant now. I have surrendered, and have to admit, they now control me.

If you turn your focus on to love and acceptance, it is immensely freeing, and by no means a passive act. The energy it induces brings freedom and positivity. Affirm today, “I release control and live in joy.”