News and Views From The Psychic Access Community

Forget Self-Love

click here for a free reading at PsychicAccess.comIf you are wounded or unhealed; if you grew up in a dysfunctional family; if you grew up in an environment of poverty, violence, racism, or sexual assault… forget self-love! Seriously. Where on Earth would you have learned the skills for giving yourself some healthy self-love? You will be shooting in the dark trying to do something that you have never seen modeled for you, and never really experienced.

‘Self-love’ has become an overrated marketing slogan to sell self-improvement products and services. Start instead with self-care. This will be difficult enough. If you have children, think back on how complex it was figuring out how to care for your first born. The same concept applies to owning your first pet as an adult. No matter how much you prepared, you were never truly prepared. You made mistakes and you learned from them.

You also discovered that sometimes caring for your child meant doing things that the child did not like, or even hated. Your child would cry, fight, throw a tantrum, while you tried to keep him away from the hot stove, or from putting something harmful in her mouth.

Learning self-care is similar to raising a child or caring for a puppy. However, you will be the child and Spirit will be the  parent. You will make mistakes and you will resist, because some of the things you currently think are acts of self-care are actually harmful to you.

Learning to love yourself is like learning to walk – essential, life-changing, and the only way to stand tall ~ Vironika Tugaleva

Typically people do not know what self-care is. They know what self–indulgence is, and they know how to ‘stuff’ their feelings. They know distraction, and how to layer ‘positive thinking’ or affirmations on top of uncomfortable or unbearable emotions. So, the question is, how do you do self-care effectively?

First off, slow way down. Second, try new things and be slow to judge whether you like the new things or not. Talk to your closest friends, but only if you see their lives are in order meaning they are not sexing, eating, drinking, drugging, affirming, or obsessing their way through life. Your healthy best friends might have some good ideas.

Try going to 12-Step meetings, there people master self-care. There is Al Anon for alcoholics (even those currently not drinking); Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA); Adult Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctions (ACA or ACOA); and AA if you are drinking, even just socially. Or find a good therapist, spiritual teacher, or healer.

Learn to pray before you meditate. Pray by simply saying, “Help me,” or “Show me.” Then pay attention, as the guidance will come in a subtle fashion, because you have to want to receive the guidance. So, you will be required to do some work, such as practicing mindfulness and self-awareness, and then have the courage to take some real action. Change your focus from ‘outcomes’ to ‘how does each step feel?’ And remember that new things will feel uncomfortable at first.

A great exercise to use (it works best if you already have a silent meditation practice) is to write out your two options, such as going to a movie with a friend… or staying home and taking a bath. Write out each option on a piece of paper and fold them up, so you cannot tell them apart. Shuffle them so you don’t know which is which and then settle yourself. Pick up one piece of paper, hold it between the palms of your two hands, and ask, “What will I learn with this option?” Make some notes about what you notice after asking that question internally. Then do the same with the other paper and then open each one.

How do you define ‘taking care of yourself’? Create a new self-care practice today. Observe your comfort level when it comes to being good to yourself. Discomfort is a wise teacher ~ Caroline Myss and Peter Occhiogrosso

The exercise will teach you to focus on your growth and evolution rather than obsess about outcomes. You will learn that every choice brings you learning and growth and there is no ‘right way.’ You will learn to make better choices for yourself with the help of Source, because when you are asking, “What will I learn with this choice,” you are asking the question of Source and the guidance will be coming from Source, not from your own wounds or ego desires.

If you work on self-care, self-love will grow and ultimately be ‘granted’ to you, like a kind of grace, granted to you by Source. Similarly, if you work on your darkest feelings, Source will grant you the gift of forgiveness, because your work on that lesson, with that person, would be complete. Source declares it complete by granting forgiveness, instead of you declaring the lesson complete by grabbing at some concept of forgiveness, because you cannot handle the uncomfortable emotions of the lesson at hand.

You cannot teach or heal yourself with your wounded mind or your dysfunctional energy field. Even your Spirit Guides will only be able to communicate with you at your current level of functioning. If you want to grow beyond that level, you need Source. And Source only works with you through ‘energy.’ Allow yourself to ‘not know’ so you can be open to being taught. Open yourself to learning something you currently cannot even imagine, so much so you cannot even ask for it, because ‘it’ is currently beyond your comprehension, beyond language.

Find support and use it. Use prayer and meditation (the mainstay of 12-Step programs as well). The key word here is use. Joyfully make mistakes and adjustments as you experiment with new ways of being.

About The Author: Nonna

Nonna lives in Southern California, and is a professor of psychology and a teacher of psychic development, energy work and meditation, who has recently finished her PhD. She has been a counselor for both humans and animals for thirty years, removing energy blocks through her expertise in the spiritual arts. She also has numerous years of study and practice with classic psychological therapeutic models, family work, twelve-step processes, nutritional and body/mind/spirit healing, complementary, alternative, and quantum medicine. Nonna is brilliant at unearthing the gems in every client's soul and polishing them to a fine finish. To release your own soul's sparkle, contact Nonna at

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