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Victims And True Feelings

click here for a free reading at PsychicAccess.comWhat is the difference between being a victim and feeling like a victim? Well, the first is identifying as a victim and making decisions from that base as a way of life. The other is going into the wounds of whatever happened to them, where they were a victim, and feeling those feelings, exploring them, processing them and allowing them to be released, as a part of the journey of healing.

Healing is waking up, coming out of denial. You finally admit you were hurt, abused, abandoned, raped, lied to, robbed, beaten up and that yes, it hurt. Yes, there was terrible fear and a loss of self, a loss of faith, depression, anxiety, and so much more. This stage is shocking, and it hurts. Your ego is demolished as you finally cave into the realizations and emotions that emerge as you face the truth about what happened to you, instead of minimizing it, explaining it away, or muscling through it.

Grieving, Raging And Learning

You will inevitably need to move through the grief cycle in order to find hope and healing. This process can take two years and longer. Many people will not understand that you are grieving, since you haven’t lost anyone to death. This process is not linear. It twists and turns through loops that overlap, moves forward, and then falls back again.

You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life! ~ Steve Maraboli

Give yourself the time and compassion you need to get through this part of healing. It is a dark, quiet stage where there seems to be no movement forward from the outside. It takes a long time and feels suffocating. It’s cramped, and everything in you is undergoing major changes in how you think, feel, and what you believe. But just because you can’t see the transformation taking place, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. This hard stage is where the most painful, most miraculous stuff is actually taking place.

You will also begin to have the craving to learn everything you can about your experience. The resources available on the subject of emotional abuse have exponentially multiplied in recent years, as victims have finally started to come out of the woodwork to expose and leave behind their abusive relationships. This is good news for you! Not only are there excellent books on this subject, but there are several incredibly helpful and educational blogs and videos available online. As you learn and grow, you will shed old belief systems that kept you deceived and trapped.

Brave New World

If you’ve ever seen a butterfly work to get free from its chrysalis, you will know that it isn’t easy and it takes time and effort. You’ll learn about healthy boundaries and apply them, letting others know you are capable of making new and healthy decisions for yourself.

This stage would not be possible without all the other previous work of coming out of denial, grieving and making an effort to learn new skills. This stage is one of the most difficult. It’s where you take all the things you’ve learned and integrated into your life, and you bring it all to bear on this last effort to break free. Your old life struggles may keep you trapped. You will find yourself terrified to try the new behaviors you have learned, and you will feel lost as all the old signposts of abuse, fear, anxiety are gone. You will find that all your old coping and survival skills are outdated, useless and you will have to apply the new skills you have read or heard about. That will take courage.

This is the stage that people often make a U-turn and run back to their old wounded behaviors. Those that do retreat, some make it back quickly, some repeat the lesson, again.

There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness ~ Bronnie Ware

Living Like A Victim

Living as a victim is not healing. You cannot heal if you refuse to ever admit you were victimized, that you were abused, hurt or suffered.

Many people confuse admitting their feelings with ‘being a victim,’ rather than realizing admitting your feelings is absolutely the first step in healing. Instead, they present a brave public face. They never discuss what happened, or they present it all as if it is okay and you are fine. They shut down their emotions, and muscle through each day presenting themselves as what they imagine to be a ‘normal’ person.

If you have been brutalized, abandoned, abused emotionally, physically, or sexually, you are not normal, you are the walking wounded. Yes, you may be functional, but that is not healed… that is ‘getting through it.’

When you made the decision to shut down, you learned and applied those learned skills in order to numb out your emotions and your thinking process, and to keep consciously convincing, or fooling your loved ones and those around you that ‘you are fine.’ You smile whenever you are sad or scared. You lie about… well, everything. That becomes second nature.

You isolate when you cannot smile or lie. You hurt everyone around you by refusing to let them too close to you because they might discover the real you. You constantly make decisions that sabotage yourself rather than risk more loss and pain. Your standard operating procedure become that you consistently decide to jump off the cliff into the shark infested waters before someone pushes you. And all you know is that you will be pushed (and hurt), over and over again. After a while, you don’t even realize you are doing these defensive, protective behaviors. They become you – who you are. At least that is how you perceive it.

We all have a story. The difference is: do you use the story to empower yourself? Or do you use your story to keep yourself a victim? The question itself empowers you to change your life ~ Sunny Dawn Johnston

So, now you are living as a victim, convinced that everything and everyone will always hurt you. You are convinced that there is no way out, so it is better to make decisions to suffer as a dysfunctional way to control the pain, rather than risk feeling hope, or worse, love. Because you are sure that you will be hurt, you cannot ask for support like a healthy, balanced mature person. Instead you manipulate people into caring for you, by appealing to their fear or guilt, when you threaten to step off the cliff again, and then only because of their desperate insistence will you accept help. Help others are convinced they need to offer, because you are threatening to jump, to make decisions or take actions to hurt yourself, rather than being able or willing to ask for help.

You isolate, and those that love you or care for you have to chase you, rather than you being able to ask for some alone time, because it would replenish you. You will create arguments where you appear to be the ‘bad guy,’ then use that as an excuse to skulk off into some corner to lick your wounds, rather than risk asking for support or for some down time.

All of these behaviors (and so much more) are the signposts of an un-healed victim. Feeling like a victim, declaring those feelings, having a pity party, are all healthy and necessary steps to take any time you get hurt. Feeling your feelings, expressing them, sharing them, taking alone time or asking for support regarding your hurts or fears are all part of recovery and healing.

Shutting down your feelings and lying about how you feel means you will be manipulating, isolating, controlling, and in general, acting like a victim  by constantly making decisions and taking actions that are not beneficial and sometimes are even harmful to you means you are living as a victim. You now have internalized what was done to you. Because of your unhealed pain you are re-enacting your pain over, and over, and over again, because it is all you can handle, all you can endure, and in fact all you know to do now in life—use the unhealed pattern of getting hurt as a way to live your life, make decisions, and behave as if it is going to happen again because you are convinced that it will. What is not brought to consciousness cannot be healed. What you bury will control you. Until the pain grows to the point you can no longer survive.

Feel like a victim. Feel sorry for yourself. Express it. Ask for help, receive support. Or, bury it and you will find yourself recreating your hurt, abandonment, fear, self-loathing, sexual abuse and disregard, over and over again, and continue your path as a victim for real.

About The Author: Nonna

Nonna lives in Southern California, and is a professor of psychology and a teacher of psychic development, energy work and meditation, who has recently finished her PhD. She has been a counselor for both humans and animals for thirty years, removing energy blocks through her expertise in the spiritual arts. She also has numerous years of study and practice with classic psychological therapeutic models, family work, twelve-step processes, nutritional and body/mind/spirit healing, complementary, alternative, and quantum medicine. Nonna is brilliant at unearthing the gems in every client's soul and polishing them to a fine finish. To release your own soul's sparkle, contact Nonna at

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