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How To Be That One Person

click pic for a free reading at PsychicAccess.comBeing a ‘helper’ in someone’s life is a sacred task. To be the one person who believes deeply in another, who ‘sees’ them despite their current circumstances, to be that person who expects them to be bigger than they are, who helps them see and reach beyond where they are now, and who never abandons them, while managing to hold your own space and not get victimized or abused by their lashing out… these are the actions and  expressions of spiritual maturity expressed as universal love.

Universal love and tolerance is not a choice for ‘weenies.’ It is in fact a hero’s journey. By the way, I do not use the term ‘unconditional love,’ because I feel it is an overused cliché and it too often implies a world of hugs, kisses, complements and affirmations – and that is not all that love is. Those expressions of love are often the self-gratification addiction of a wounded person, who needs to be thanked and adored for giving ‘love’ to someone else. It is typically also the trademarks of a co-dependent, or narcissist.

Hugs and kisses represent only one aspect of love. It is the safest and most fun aspect of ‘showing love.’ However, love is not simply all about physical tokens and making someone else ‘feel good,’ so you also can feel good. To be a loving, spiritually aware, humble, strong ‘secret agent’ of love goes way beyond dishing out hugs and kisses.

I recently watched a documentary about the amazing opera singer Ryan Speedo Green, a former ghetto kid. In the 4th grade, already a problem child, his first day in class he looked at his Caucasian teacher… picked up his desk… and threw it at her, declaring he wasn’t going to be taught by “any white person.” Her response? With no anger, no shaming, and holding her own space, she took away his chair, and made him sit on the floor. She told him he would have to earn back the right to have a desk and a chair in her class.

We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you ~ Jeff Warner

Later she talked to him to ask him what was going on at home. She knew this wasn’t him, not the real him, not the boy he could be. She started talking to the boy she sensed buried underneath his hardships and pain. Years later he was placed in juvenile detention. She hunted him down and found him, and continued to not abandon him, to stay connected. She encouraged him to always remember that he was not his circumstances, or even his current situation. This was just an event in the journey of his life. “Don’t let this define you,” she said. And he never forgot those words. She didn’t feel sorry for him, or merely commiserated with him, or gave him clichéd platitudes. Even though she could be of no direct help, her concern, her love, her commitment to staying connected to him was his lifeline.

Ryan later noted that he did not think he was treated in any special way by her. He thought this is what she did with all of her students on her watch! But she was actually ‘walking her talk.’  This is the behavior of a true healer, a teacher, a spiritual secret agent, a warrior. And she modeled the true behavior of universal love.

If you call yourself a ‘spiritual’ or ‘awakened’ person, these are the kind of actions you should desire to do in your daily life, instead of just leading another crystal workshop, do a few platform demonstrations as a medium, or blog about the channeled messages you receive. Those are all fine, noble things to do, if you are called to do so, but they are too often also just a ‘job.’

Just like Picasso was a great artist, but not necessarily a great person, many spiritual people have ‘gifts,’ but outside of their private sessions and public presentations, they can also be horrible parents, awful friends, self-serving and self-absorbed narcissists, or simply wounded individuals seeking attention from others to soothe their damaged or out of control egos.

In her book, For Your Own Good, the fabulous psychoanalyst Alice Miller uses an analysis of the life of Hitler, as well as the life of Picasso, as an example of this. These two men had similar childhoods, yet turned out very differently. Although Picasso was not the nicest of humans, he definitely was no Hitler. Her study indicated that the decisive factor in a child surviving abuse or extreme hardship (war, earthquakes, poverty) is have one loving, constant relationship, where a person stays connected to you, doesn’t leave, doesn’t give up, and doesn’t get victimized by a person ‘acting out’ their pain through a variety of often horrifying behaviors.

The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity ~ Ulysses S. Grant

To truly express love you must stay connected. But don’t allow yourself to be used, or abused. If you allow yourself to be used (rather than you choosing to give) you will eventually dislike the person. If you allow the person to abuse you, the person will disrespect and even hate you, because now you have become another person that they have hurt through their uncontrolled actions coming out of pain and fear.

If you cannot stay connected and hold your own space with the person you are trying to help, you become another one of their wounds, reminding them how hurtful and awful they are, which only reinforces their pain, self–hate, and hopelessness. Loving someone, while excusing horrible, destructive and self-destructive behaviors, is the path of a coward and it is enabling. Being the loving being who will not accept the ‘lesser’ or more dysfunctional version of a person, is the path of a love warrior.

To do this, you must be able to set and keep boundaries. You must know and value self-care. You will have to give up seeking recognition and winning accolades for being ‘amazingly gifted’ and for your selfless ‘good deeds.’ You will have to put your ego in check, while tolerating the wounded one’s behavior and language, without allowing yourself to either be or feel like a victim. You have to be the one who believes in them when they cannot believe in themselves.

You have to use boundaries to help the wounded socialize and to teach them to consider the feelings of others. People in pain, especially younger people, are extremely self-centered because all they know and can feel is their pain. When you don’t use boundaries, you are giving them the message that they are so damaged you can’t possibly expect them to behave any better than what they are doing now. So, you are further burying them in their already out-of-control low self–esteem or self-hate.

Boundaries say to people, “I know you are bigger than this behavior you are doing.” Boundaries also tell the others that you are strong enough that you will not be hurt, which makes the wounded feel safe with you. If a wounded person knows you will not let yourself be hurt, it is such a relief for them, because they don’t have to second guess how to act with you. It also means you are strong enough to truly help them.

Wounded people feel hopeless about themselves and their wounds, and now their life, whether they can talk about it or not. They need a hero. Someone sensitive and strong, knowledgeable and tolerant, someone who won’t get hurt, and most of all someone who won’t leave, even if the wounded ones try to push you away, because that is all they know.

If someone needs you don’t let them down. Because when you need someone and there is no one to be found you will know how they felt ~ Isabella Poretsis

What does ‘being the one’ look like? There is no one way and each case will be a dance between the two of you that will be specific to that situation and that relationship. On a simple level, for example, I cannot count the people that I barely knew who went through a rough patch at some point in their life. I started calling them every day, even changing my cell phone plan so I could do this. I called them to listen to their woes, help if I could, but mainly to check in every single day so they would know they mattered. I never became ‘friends’ with them.

One person, years later, only one, realized what I had done and thanked me (maybe a decade later). There was no recognition or thanks from the others. Some actually became my critics, once they got back on their feet. Go figure.

I have also stayed connected to many of my own teachers and mentors. After all, they are human as well. I wanted to return the favor, or give back all they had done for me. So, I made phone calls, and sent some texts and emails for decades.

True connection can save someone from depression. Often the people I am calling can’t talk, because they are in too much pain. So, I call and do most of the talking, just telling stories about life as a way to stay connected and to keep them grounded. This is the simplest version of being a hero.

On a more complex level, one can be a ‘spiritual secret agent’ in the fields of medicine, education, childcare, correctional services, police services, justice, social work, management, or any field of endeavor. You can choose to not only be a mentor in the workplace, but also a hero. You will not be appreciated at first, maybe not for years or even decades, or maybe never in your lifetime. People in pain typically lash out at first, because they are desperately afraid of more pain. So they create it at once to get it over with, as it is inevitable in their world. Also, the wounded don’t know other ways of reacting. They often need socialization, and education on how to behave, as the the behaviors they observed and learned in their life produced pain, or violence, or disrespect, or many other forms of dysfunction.

To be a universal love hero, there are books to read. If you have never experienced the culture of poverty, war, or abuse, you might need to educate yourself. To be a hero, you need to have courage, the courage to not take the actions or language of the wounded personally. It takes intuition and spiritual guidance to see beneath a person’s pain, or even their facade of, “I’m okay.”

It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being ~ John Joseph Powell

Then the hardest part: you need to have the strength to offer the sacred space that will not go along with people’s victim narrative, but instead start asking them to step into who they really are, who they can become with some self-work.

Ryan Speedo Green tells the story of the time he saw his first opera and told his high school teacher he wanted to become an opera singer and sing in the Metropolitan Opera in New York. His teacher’s response was not discouragement for this ghetto child with an extensive criminal record. His teacher also did not give him generic encouragement. Instead, his teacher outlined that Ryan would have to complete two higher degrees in music, and learn four languages, as well as learn to sing, in order to just get an audition. His teacher helped to concretely and very specifically support, formulate and structure Ryan’s vision of who he really was underneath his pain and his circumstances.

Being ‘the one’ means you help the wounded person find their own way out. This makes a person strong. Giving answers only makes you look good and tells the wounded, subliminally, they are not good enough, smart enough, or strong enough to figure it out for themselves.

While you help a person find their way out, you stay. You showing them through concrete real actions that you believe in them. The wounded are used to people giving clichéd advice or superficial comfort, then passing them on to another, or back into the system. You need to stick around, be specific in helping them structure success, and survive their outbursts or lashing out when they get scared. Never abandon them. Don’t allow yourself to manipulated into believing their dysfunctional narratives, whether it is that of being a victim, or of being a ‘bad person.’ Hold your space to model holding space. Hold your space so you can hold space for them to step into, to own, and then to eventually take over.


About The Author: Nonna

Nonna lives in Southern California, and is a professor of psychology and a teacher of psychic development, energy work and meditation, who has recently finished her PhD. She has been a counselor for both humans and animals for thirty years, removing energy blocks through her expertise in the spiritual arts. She also has numerous years of study and practice with classic psychological therapeutic models, family work, twelve-step processes, nutritional and body/mind/spirit healing, complementary, alternative, and quantum medicine. Nonna is brilliant at unearthing the gems in every client's soul and polishing them to a fine finish. To release your own soul's sparkle, contact Nonna at PsychicAccess.com.

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