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Finding Your Perfectly Imperfect Partner

click photo for a free psychic reading at PsychicAccess.comAll too often single people are guilty of trying to find the perfect person, our better halves, our soulmate match. Unless you have never dated before or are extremely unique, we have all gone through a few relationships that have not worked out. These failed relationships leave wounds in our hearts and scars that come from being hurt. They leave us with lessons carved deep into our souls.

I do not see these relationship experiences as ‘failures.’ I believe they are trials. My mother always used to say, dating guys is like trying on shoes. Not to trivialize dating, but you get the idea? Shoes have to fit well for them to be reliable and comfortable. You don’t buy shoes that don’t fit you, unless you plan on being constantly uncomfortable.

Now, let me be upfront right from the beginning because it is not my style to tip toe around difficult conversations. Dating is hard! We all have past lives that we have brought wounds from into this current life, which we are still in the process of healing. We all have past betrayals, if not from other romantic relationships then from familial and friendships that have wounded us. No one is unwounded. Everyone carries pain in their hearts.

In order to have a successful relationship, we need to find a way to accept our flaws, be aware of them, our suspicions, our barriers we’ve put up emotionally to protect ourselves, and try to crack them open at least a little, to let others in. That is of course, assuming you want a relationship. Some people wish to remain single, and that is perfectly acceptable too.

I think we learn the most from imperfect relationships – things like forgiveness and compassion ~ Andrea Thompson

It’s hard enough to manage our own wounds and allow others in, but to have a relationship we have to contend with whatever our potential partner’s wounds may be as well. Our potential partner will also have flaws, and wounds that would need to be accommodated, in order for a relationship to thrive. This is where it gets really difficult.

When we do find that ‘special someone,’ at first there is a honeymoon phase. It’s different for each couple. We hide our flaws as long as necessary, until we eventually feel comfortable. Eventually you go through moments where each of you needs to do some unpleasant things in the bathroom. Eventually, you will see each other at your worse. This is where the true test of love comes in. When you gain weight, get sick, or look and smell disgusting, will they stay by your side?

If they can’t handle you at your worst, then they don’t deserve you at your best. If we spend our lives with someone, we will in time see each other at our worst. Do we still feel the same about each other then?

This is where my perfectly imperfect theory comes into play. A friend once told me about a man she was extremely interested in. Finally, he asked her to hang out one night at his house. He had perpetual halitosis, and although his bad breath wasn’t her favorite thing, she could see past it, because of how much she liked him. However, when on the very first night they spent time alone together, he used the bathroom right in front of her and it completely turned her off. She was done.

Years later, she was settled down with another guy she was really crazy about. He also had many imperfections, like the rest of us, and after getting overly comfortable, he too would use the bathroom with the door wide open. What was a dealbreaker before, with the ‘wrong’ guy, didn’t bother her in the slightest with the ‘right’ guy. The new guy was also a messy eater, and sometimes thoughtless. Although, sometimes, his flaws would get on her nerves, she would catch herself laughing about them and find them endearing, because they are what made him him.

Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re not broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure ~ Steve Maraboli

She’d be the first to admit she’s nowhere near perfect herself.  Although he has many flaws, just like her, she loved him just as he was – flaws and all. This is the real key to finding out if you can be happy with someone. Some people have an attitude of, “I love him in spite of his flaws.” But that’s just not the right attitude to have. It should be instead, “I love him and all of his flaws.”

Flaws are what makes us ourselves! If you cannot love everything about your partner, then maybe you should not be with them? When meeting a potential partner, we can’t go into it thinking, “Well, he’s great, but if I can change this about him it will work for me.” Your relationship will be doomed from the start, because trying to change a person is futile.

We all want to be accepted and loved just as we are. So, why force a shoe that doesn’t fit? If you hate a man who drinks, don’t date someone who goes out boozing each weekend and hope you can stop his alcohol abuse. Similarly, if you don’t like a man who loves spending time with his family, don’t date someone who is family-oriented.

Our flaws are perfect for us. We are all works in progress, but it’s an amazing feeling to love someone as they are and be loved for just being us. It feels horrible to date a person and all they try to do all the time is change you.

I once had a client who was drawn to men with children because she desperately wanted to be a mother and had no children of her own. She then became a victim of not being accepted by the man she was with. He basically used her as a maid and nanny for his children. One night she called me crying because he told her he doesn’t like the way she dresses, walks, talks, does her hair, her make-up. Basically, he listed every single thing that made her uniquely herself. I advised her to reconsider the relationship, but she ignored my recommendation. A few months later, she had broken up with him, because he had cheated on her and she couldn’t take his abuse any longer. Years later, she’s now married, and raises children with someone who loves her just the way she is.

The most important thing is to never settle! If you settle for someone who is ‘tolerable’ you’ll never find true happiness, and it will most likely not last. Also, don’t change yourself for others. Change yourself for you! When dating someone new, be honest about who you are, don’t pretend, because in reality, you’re wasting time.

Don’t worry about who is going to love you for who you are. The truth is, the person you are meant to be with will love you… warts and all. Don’t give up hope. Love yourself. And look for the perfectly imperfect.

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