Anger Is A Teacher

Anger is an emotion that I have had many dealings with over the years. When I was growing up, my maternal grandmother commented about how angry I always was as a child. She observed this in the way I played with my dolls. She knew that my upbringing in an abusive and alcoholic household did not allow me to express myself to anyone, so I took it out on my toys.

As I became older, I was afraid of the anger I held inside. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought it was an emotion I had to suppress and not allow myself to express. When it did come out, it was at the most inappropriate and inopportune times. This wreaked havoc in my interpersonal relationships.

It wasn’t until a good friend of mine passed away many years later that my latent anger really became an issue. I didn’t know how angry I was at her passing, until a co-worker pointed it out to me. I decided to seek out a qualified therapist who specialized in anger issues. This therapist taught me how to deal with my anger in a constructive way.

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I learned through my journey in dealing with the anger that it is okay to feel angry. Anger is a signal that something may be wrong, or that changes are needed in particular situation. I also learned that anger is a secondary reaction to the emotions of hurt, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety. I had to get to those emotions in order to deal with myself, because in reality I was only hurting myself by suppressing my anger in the first place.

I had to learn healthy ways to deal with fiery situations and challenging people. It wasn’t an easy pattern to change, for I prided myself on telling it like it is and not realizing the consequences. I learned to say what I mean, and mean what I say, without being mean.

I also learned when faced with heated confrontation to walk away from the argument. I didn’t need to show up for every argument I was invited to. When I did walk away from a heated confrontation, I also gave myself 24 to 48 hours to think about the confrontation and then deal with it more constructively.

I further learned to let my anger out in constructive ways. I journaled a lot in the beginning of my therapy sessions. I also used a technique known as belly breathing exercises, which is similar to deep breathing, because when you experience intense emotions like anger you tend to cut off your breath. You can also exercise your anger away!

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned ~ Gautama Buddha

Recently, I joined a new gym and was introduced to women’s boxing. I was so anxious and angry at a friend of mine, that I started putting on a pair of boxing gloves and hit the punching bag like a maniac. I felt so much better afterwards. I envisioned the face of my friend on that punching bag and it worked!

I think for me suppressing the anger did more damage to myself than anyone else. I have learned to let go of all judgments and just be with my anger. It is okay to get angry. I believe women are taught by society to suppress their anger; it is not “lady-like” to be angry. I had to unlearn all these fallacies. It took me a long, long time to do so, but have. At times I am angry.